O, any thing will do!--The worse the better.
Exit Landlord.--Re-enter with two great-coats.
Ay, Landlord, this will be best; for I can button the cape over the lower
part of my face. Don't I look devilishly down and concerned, Landlord?
I never saw a gentleman with a better-natured look.--'Tis pity you should
have such trials, Sir.
I must be very unhappy, no doubt of it, Landlord.--And yet I am a little
pleased, you must needs think, that I have found her out before any great
inconvenience has arisen to her. However, if I cannot break her of these
freaks, she'll break my heart; for I do love her with all her failings.
The good woman, who was within hearing of all this, pitied me much.
Pray, your Honour, said she, if I may be so bold, was madam ever a mamma?
No--[and I sighed.]--We have been but a little while married; and as I
may say to you, it is her own fault that she is not in that way. [Not a
word of a lie in this, Jack.] But to tell you truth, Madam, she may be
compared to the dog in the manger--
I understand you, Sir, [simpering,] she is but young, Sir. I have heard
of one or two such skittish young ladies, in my time, Sir.--But when
madam is in that way, I dare say, as she loves you, (and it would be
strange if she did not!) all this will be over, and she may make the best
of wives.
That's all my hope.
She is a fine lady as I ever beheld.--I hope, Sir, you won't be too
severe. She'll get over all these freaks, if once she be a mamma, I
warrant.
I can't be severe to her--she knows that. The moment I see her, all
resentment is over with me, if she gives me but one kind look.
All this time I was adjusting the horseman's coat, and Will. was putting
in the ties of my wig,* and buttoning the cape over my chin.
* The fashionable wigs at that time.
I asked the gentlewoman for a little powder. She brought me a powder-
box, and I slightly shook the puff over my hat, and flapt one side of it,
though the lace looked a little too gay for my covering; and, slouching
it over my eyes, Shall I be known, think you, Madam?
Your Honour is so expert, Sir!--I wish, if I may be so bold, your lady
has not some cause to be jealous. But it will be impossible, if you keep
your laced clothes covered, that any body should know you in that dress
to be the same gentleman--except they find you out by your clocked
stockings.
Well observed--Can't you, Landlord, lend or sell me a pair of stockings,
that will draw over these? I can cut off the feet, if they won't go into
my shoes.
He could let me have a pair of coarse, but clean, stirrup stockings, if I
pleased.
The best in the world for the purpose.
He fetch'd them. Will. drew them on; and my legs then made a good gouty
appearance.
The good woman smiling, wished me success; and so did the landlord. And
as thou knowest that I am not a bad mimic, I took a cane, which I
borrowed of the landlord, and stooped in the shoulders to a quarter of a
foot less height, and stumped away cross to the bowling-green, to
practise a little the hobbling gait of a gouty man.--The landlady
whispered her husband, as Will. tells me, He's a good one, I warrant him
--I dare say the fault lies not at all of one side. While mine host
replied, That I was so lively and so good-natured a gentleman, that he
did not know who could be angry with me, do what I would. A sensible
fellow!--I wish my charmer were of the same opinion.
And now I am going to try if I can't agree with goody Moore for lodgings
and other conveniencies for my sick wife.
'Wife, Lovelace?' methinks thou interrogatest.
Yes, wife, for who knows what cautions the dear fugitive may have given
in apprehension of me?
'But has goody Moore any other lodgings to let?'
Yes, yes; I have taken care of that; and find that she has just such
conveniencies as I want. And I know that my wife will like them. For,
although married, I can do every thing I please; and that's a bold word,
you know. But had she only a garret to let, I would have liked it; and
been a poor author afraid of arrests, and made that my place of refuge;
yet would have made shift to pay beforehand for what I had. I can suit
myself to any condition, that's my comfort.
***
The widow Moore returned! say you?--Down, down, flutterer!--This
impertinent heart is more troublesome to me than my conscience, I think.
--I shall be obliged to hoarsen my voice, and roughen my character, to
keep up with its puppily dancings.
But let me see, shall I be angry or pleased when I am admitted to my
beloved's presence?
Angry to be sure.--Has she not broken her word with me?--At a time too
when I was meditating to do her grateful justice?--And is not breach of
word a dreadful crime in good folks?--I have ever been for forming my
judgment of the nature of things and actions, not so much from what they
are in themselves, as from the character of the actors. Thus it would be
as odd a thing in such as we to keep our words with a woman, as it would
be wicked in her to break her's to us.
Seest thou not that this unseasonable gravity is admitted to quell the
palpitations of this unmanageable heart? But still it will go on with
its boundings. I'll try as I ride in my chariot to tranquilize.
'Ride, Bob! so little a way?'
Yes, ride, Jack; for am I not lame? And will it not look well to have a
lodger who keeps his chariot? What widow, what servant, asks questions
of a man with an equipage?
My coachman, as well as my other servant, is under Will.'s tuition.
Never was there such a hideous rascal as he has made himself. The devil
only and his other master can know him. They both have set their marks
upon him. As to my honour's mark, it will never be out of his dam'd wide
mothe, as he calls it. For the dog will be hanged before he can lose the
rest of his teeth by age.