***
Well, Jack!--And what thinkest thou of this last letter? Miss Howe
values not either fame or censure; and thinkest thou, that this letter
will not bring the little fury up, though she could procure no other
conveyance than her higgler's panniers, one for herself, the other for
her maid? She knows whither to come now. Many a little villain have I
punished for knowing more than I would have her know, and that by adding
to her knowledge and experience. What thinkest thou, Belford, if, by
getting hither this virago, and giving cause for a lamentable letter from
her to the fair fugitive, I should be able to recover her? Would she not
visit that friend in her distress, thinkest thou, whose intended visit to
her in her's brought her into the condition from which she herself had so
perfidiously escaped?
Let me enjoy the thought!
Shall I send this letter?--Thou seest I have left room, if I fail in the
exact imitation of so charming a hand, to avoid too strict a scrutiny.
Do they not both deserve it of me? Seest thou now how the raving girl
threatens her mother? Ought she not to be punished? And can I be a
worse devil, or villain, or monster, that she calls me in the long letter
I enclose (and has called me in her former letters) were I to punish them
both as my vengeance urges me to punish them? And when I have executed
that my vengeance, how charmingly satisfied may they both go down into
the country and keep house together, and have a much better reason than
their pride could give them, for living the single life they have both
seemed so fond of!
I will set about transcribing it this moment, I think. I can resolve
afterwards. Yet what has poor Hickman done to deserve this of me!--But
gloriously would it punish the mother (as well as daughter) for all her
sordid avarice; and for her undutifulness to honest Mr. Howe, whose heart
she actually broke. I am on tiptoe, Jack, to enter upon this project.
Is not one country as good to me as another, if I should be obliged to
take another tour upon it?
***
But I will not venture. Hickman is a good man, they tell me. I love a
good man. I hope one of these days to be a good man myself. Besides, I
have heard within this week something of this honest fellow that shows he
has a soul; when I thought, if he had one, that it lay a little of the
deepest to emerge to notice, except on very extraordinary occasions; and
that then it presently sunk again into its cellula adiposa.--The man is a
plump man.--Didst ever see him, Jack?
But the principal reason that withholds me [for 'tis a tempting project!]
is, for fear of being utterly blown up, if I should not be quick enough
with my letter, or if Miss Howe should deliberate on setting out, to try
her mother's consent first; in which time a letter from my frighted
beauty might reach her; for I have no doubt, wherever she has refuged,
but her first work was to write to her vixen friend. I will therefore go
on patiently; and take my revenge upon the little fury at my leisure.
But in spite of my compassion for Hickman, whose better character is
sometimes my envy, and who is one of those mortals that bring clumsiness
into credit with the mothers, to the disgrace of us clever fellows, and
often to our disappointment, with the daughters; and who has been very
busy in assisting these double-armed beauties against me; I swear by all
the dii majores, as well as minores, that I will have Miss Howe, if I
cannot have her more exalted friend! And then, if there be as much
flaming love between these girls as they pretend, will my charmer profit
by her escape?
And now, that I shall permit Miss Howe to reign a little longer, let me
ask thee, if thou hast not, in the enclosed letter, a fresh instance,
that a great many of my difficulties with her sister-toast are owing to
this flighty girl?--'Tis true that here was naturally a confounded sharp
winter air; and if a little cold water was thrown into the path, no
wonder that it was instantly frozen; and that the poor honest traveller
found it next to impossible to keep his way; one foot sliding back as
fast as the other advanced, to the endangering of his limbs or neck. But
yet I think it impossible that she should have baffled me as she has done
(novice as she is, and never before from under her parents' wings) had
she not been armed by a virago, who was formerly very near showing that
she could better advise than practise. But this, I believe, I have said
more than once before.
I am loth to reproach myself, now the cruel creature has escaped me; For
what would that do, but add to my torment? since evils self-caused, and
avoidable, admit not of palliation or comfort. And yet, if thou tellest
me, that all her strength was owing to my weakness, and that I have been
a cursed coward in this whole affair; why, then, Jack, I may blush, and
be vexed; but, by my soul, I cannot contradict thee.
But this, Belford, I hope--that if I can turn the poison of the enclosed
letter into wholesome ailment; that is to say, if I can make use of it to
my advantage; I shall have thy free consent to do it.
I am always careful to open covers cautiously, and to preserve seals
entire. I will draw out from this cursed letter an alphabet. Nor was
Nick Rowe ever half so diligent to learn Spanish, at the Quixote
recommendation of a certain peer, as I will be to gain the mastery of
this vixen's hand.