THE BLOOMSBURY GUARDS
Another circle of friends during my British Museum days, which I found
entertaining, was the "Bloomsbury Guards," as they call themselves. This
company of men, or "cla-ass," is apparently organized to stay on earth
permanently in Bloomsbury. Some of the members die off now and then, but
that does not matter. The generous museum flings wide its doors and out
come new recruits.
The late George Gissing had considerable to report about the gentlemen
in question in his book, "New Grub Street." I have purposely never read
his account of them, because I have preferred to keep them in mind as I
knew them myself.
Imagine a pretty threadbare, stoop-shouldered, but generally clean
individual, anywhere between forty and sixty. Think of him as sitting at
a desk in the great reading room, books piled up in front of him, pen
and paper at hand, and a very longing, thirsty look tightly fitted to
his face like a plaster, or, still better, like an "_Es ist erreicht_"
mustache regulator to help one look like Kaiser Wilhelm. Whisper in his
ear: "Let's be off to 'The Plough.'" Watch the set countenance relax.
If you will do these things you will get acquainted with one of the
Bloomsbury Guards.
I made their acquaintance at the tavern opposite the museum. Political
economy absolutely refused to interest me at times, and every now and
then I would drop in at "The Plough," or "The Tavern." The exclusive
saloon bar was the recreative room of the Guards in both cases. It took
me some time to find out why the saloon bar was exclusive, but
eventually a young barrister took me aside and explained.
"Don't be na-asty," he cautioned. "It's merely a matter of cla-ass, you
know. Really, you must understand."
I feigned enlightenment instanter, and have always had a "cla-ass"
feeling in London, from that day to this. I make no doubt that the cabby
who frequents the public bar has a "cla-ass" feeling just as important.
The Guards that I knew best were "Mengy," "Q," and the "Swordsman," as I
insisted on calling him on account of his special knowledge in
pig-sticking. (He told me that he had spent two solid weeks on this
subject in order to write an authoritative review for _The Times_.)
These three men, "Mengy" in the middle as "Little Billie," would have
taken the prize in a "Trilby" interpretation of side-street trios.
"Mengy" was a doctor of philosophy in general, and lecturer on mummies
in particular. Germany gave him his start, and London his pause.
Academically, he intended to be wise in Egyptology; humanely, simply one
of the guards.
"Q"--good old "Q"--had a gentleman's instincts unsupported financially.
He dreamed about music, wrote articles, reviews, and poems about it,
hummed it and buzzed it, but "Q" was no musician. Like "Mengy," he had
quite resigned himself _inwardly_ to the post of a "Guard."
The "Swordsman" was a great, canny Scot. But he had cannied and caddied
in the wrong way, pecuniarily. Fifty odd years of "sax-pence" had
slipped by him, and he had nary a one to show. But what a mine of
useless facts he had got together over in the Reading Room! What a
peripatetic gossiper about trifles he had become!
When these three men got together, and a liquidating friend was along,
the "Tavern" or "Plough," as the case might be, became the scene of as
doughty passages at arms at the bar as Bloomsbury has ever known. As
guards of their beverages they were matchless, while, as "Pub" hunters,
it is to be questioned whether Bloomsbury, until the Guards came to
earth, ever knew how many public houses she had. Perhaps "Q" was the
most inveterate explorer. When "Q" got a pound or two for a review, he
slicked up in his finest manner and went forth alone to seek and find.
Somehow the "Plough" and the "Tavern" did not appeal to him when he was
in funds. But he would give you his shirt if you happened upon him in
some new "Pub" which he had located, and was trying to impress with his
spirit. Then was "Q" indeed in his glory. His high hat never had such a
luster as on such occasions.
"Why, my dear fellow," he would say, "how fortunate to meet you here!
What is it to be?"
Perhaps you wanted 'bus fare to Hampstead.
"Most assuredly. Have something to warm you up for the ride."
The other Guards did not like "Q's" running off when he felt
flush--"Mengy," in particular; but "Mengy" ought to be very grateful to
"Q." When "Mengy" got permission to lecture on mummies at the museum and
sent out learned circulars about his accomplishments as an Egyptologist,
who was it, "Mengy," that made up your audience at your first lecture?
None other than poor, old, wayward "Q." If he hadn't exercised
compassion, you would have had no hearers at all.
He paid, too, "Mengy."
In a way, "Mengy" was a whining man. One day, there had been too much
tavern and too little museum, and "Mengy" was under the weather. I shall
never forget the picture he made, as he lounged back in his chair after
the last drink. His two soiled long coats enveloped his slender form
like blankets around a lamp-post, and there was a forlorn,
half-academic, half-nauseated look in his pale face that can often be
seen at sea. His disgruntledness made him melancholy. Standing up during
a pause in the conversation, he gathered the skirts of his coats about
him, readjusted his shabby hat, and sobbed, as if his heart had been
torn out of him, "Nobody likes 'Mengy'--Nobody!" Then, with tears
tracing the grimaces in his face, he made for the museum to clean up
his desk, and go home to his corpulent wife. She was the bread-winner in
"Mengy's" outfit.
There is a story to the effect that "Q" at one time contemplated
marriage and some one to look out for him. They say that he spruced up,
and finally located a young lady of means. She was not unfriendly to his
advances, and it looked like a match. But "Q" could not keep away from
the comfortable quarters in the museum and the conferences at the
"Tavern." The fair maid found this out, and went away to Edinburgh to
think things over. One day, "Q" was in sore need of ten shillings. He
could think of no one who would be so glad to let him have it as the
fair one. He squandered sixpence on a telegram describing his distress.
"If women but knew!" I have heard women sigh. Well, "Q's" girl knew. She
wrote back by post: "Dear Q.--A shilling you will probably need for the
evening; please find same enclosed. Yours, Janet." "Q" tells this story
on himself to explain his continued singleness of purpose.
The Guards could not be referred to here without reference to "Bosky,"
although I never knew him as well as I did "Q" and "Mengy." "Bosky"
probably had the greatest reputation of all as a learned man and writer.
His writings on ancient men and things appear in our magazines at times.
He once got me very much interested in what he knew about the art of
burglary in Pharaoh's time, and I have often wondered why he did not
write the article he had in mind. But, with all his knowledge of dead
nations and languages, "Bosky" enjoyed his "Tavern" sittings quite as
much as did "Q" and "Mengy." The last time I saw him I asked him to
write me something in Chaldaic. He handed me some hieroglyphics on an
envelope. "Meaning?" I said. "Bosky" smiled benevolently, and said: "I
want a long drink from the Far West."
He then told me how a sixpence had disturbed his sleep the night before.
He had got home late, he said, after a "Tavern" sitting, but he was sure
on going to bed that he had managed to save the sixpence for his morning
meal.
"My wife's right artful," he explained, "so I tucked the coin under the
rug. I had a dream that I'd forgotten where I had hidden it, and from
three o'clock on I couldn't sleep. I knew where it was afterwards all
right, but I was afraid my wife might dream that she knew, too. Married
life has its troubles, I can tell you."