_Willy was undoubtedly a hero. The difficulty lies in deciding
which side he was on...._
[Illustration: __Illustrated by Paul Orban__]
Two months after the landing, Ship UXB-69311 was rigged out with most
things needed to make life bearable, if not interesting, for the crew.
Perched on the manicured, blue-green sod of the planet Engraham, its
inner parts were transformed and refitted for the many months of the
Exploration. No effort and no flight of imagination had been spared to
make the ship resemble more a country club than a barracks. With the
permission of Colonel Mondrain, the crew's bunkroom had been completely
rearranged, and a segment thereof made into a quietly elegant bar. Plans
for this eventual rejuvenation had been fomenting throughout the very
tiresome and very monotonous journey.
When they first landed, the natives fled, and thus it was easy to
liberate furnishings from the adjacent village. When the inhabitants
returned, after the purposes of the visiting Earthman were acknowledged
to be harmless, they proved to be too courteous to carp about a few
missing articles.
The chairs, of a very advanced design and most comfortable, were made of
a light and durable metal alloy thus far unknown to Earth. The bar
(which was probably not its purpose on Engraham, no one knew or cared
what its function had been) was of a design so futuristic that it would
have turned a modern artist mad. The utensils, also liberated, were
unbelievably delicate, yet strong and easy to wash. At first, since the
Earth had not intended the Exploration to resemble the type that
Texas-stationed servicemen like to run in Matamoros, there was nothing
to drink in the utensils. But hardly six weeks had passed before the
first hero of the Exploration, a man named O'Connors, discovered a
palatable fruit growing on nearby bushes. By means of a system of
improvised pipes (also liberated) it was no time at all before tasty
beverages, somewhat strident but quite effective, were being run off and
consumed in quantities. The machine known as O'Connors Joy-Juicer was
concealed behind the bar, and all that was ever seen on the bar when
Colonel Mondrain or the Doctors were around was an innocuous fruit
juice.
The Earth Command had stocked the ship with reading material, most of it
of a disgustingly educational nature, in photostatic cards: and the
second hero of the Exploration was a man named Kosalowsky, who
discovered in the psychology sections the works of Freud and
Krafft-Ebing. After this discovery, a few interesting discussions arose.
After these changes had been made, there was very little to do.
The Earth Command had assumed that the natives of Engraham would resent
the Explorations (most planets did), and so had sent along the crew of
thirty men for protection. All had labored mightily to become part of
this special crew, chosen for endurance and known war-like qualities.
For once they got back to Earth, all were slated to be mustered out of
service immediately, decorated to the ears, and awarded full, life-time
pensions. Many already had contracts to appear on television and one
man, Blunt, hinted at a long term Hollywood contract.
But once they got there, there was little to do after all. A guard was
posted; instruments were checked; and, although the necessity seemed
slight, the ship was kept primed for instantaneous emergency take-off.
On the day corresponding to Earth's Saturday, the ship was G. I.'d from
stem to stern. The maintenance crew made sure that no parts deteriorated
or got liberated by enterprising natives. But the natives were not an
inventive race. It was discovered by the Doctors (Anker, Frank, Pelham
and Flandeau) that the natives literally did not know how to steal. They
were backward. Dr. Flandeau, who was making great strides with the
language, reported that there was some evidence that the Engrahamites
had once possessed this skill, along with murder, mayhem, bad faith, and
politics, but had lost it, through a deterioration of the species.
Thus, once the ship had been transformed into a place worthy of human
dwelling, and the beverage question had been solved, and utter,
imbecilic boredom circumvented by the timely discoveries of Freud and
Krafft-Ebing, the men found time hanging heavily on their hands; and the
more the doctors discovered about the Engrahamites, the more dismal the
situation became. The doctors, growing more and more fascinated by their
tasks, left the ship bright and early each day, returning around
nightfall to reduce their growing stacks of data to points of Earthly
relevance. The Colonel was also out most of the time. He paid many
social calls on the natives, who, being courteous, received him, and was
often returned at night in a chauffeured native Hop-Hop. Life in the
bunkroom became a sullen round of poker, reading of Krafft-Ebing, and
gab: and Earth currency changed hands daily in the never-ending crap
game.
For there was one great lack in their lives. This lack, and the
inability to do anything about it, absorbed many hours of conversation.
At first, complaints only occurred at intervals; but as weeks passed,
the lamentations became so fervent, so constant, and so heart-rending,
that Dr. Flandeau observed to Dr. Frank that more stirring passages had
not been made since the Jeremiad. For Dr. Flandeau, although aging, was
in his off hours a poet, and a Frenchman always.