Once a year there is a great foursome played between a Colonel and a
Parson on the one side and an Author and an M.P. on the other, and they
always look forward to it with great keenness. It is a compact among
them that the match shall be played every year that all four are alive
and within the United Kingdom. This is one of the most delightful kinds
of matches, and no pleasure of reminiscence is so rich as that of
golfers such as these in looking back over ten or twenty years of
matches and comparing their recollections of them. All earnest golfers
should have some arrangement of the kind with their best friends.
It happened the other morning when this match was to be played, that a
great disappointment was in store for the little party, as they took
train from Charing Cross bound for that fine inland course some twenty
miles away to which they were all most devoted. Heavy clouds of ominous
complexion were above at nine o’clock, and there was a suspicious look
and feel about the atmosphere; but, like all good golfers, these men
were optimists all, and would not mention to one another the fear that
was in their hearts.
“I daresay we shall have a very nice day after all,” murmured the
Parson, and the Colonel stated that he was nearly certain that the glass
was rising when he last looked at it. A fine fellow is your golfing
optimist. But when London had been left some ten miles behind, the
hideous truth was exposed beyond any denial. It was snowing, and the
chill of it went to the hearts of the golfers.
“Oh, this won’t be much,” said the M.P., “and it is certain to melt
quickly, anyhow; see how watery are the flakes.”
But when they arrived at the course it was snowing more than ever, and
big dry flakes were whirling in eddies all about, while the course
already lay an inch beneath a white covering. It was a bad case. Unless
there was a great change in an hour or so there could be no golf that
day, and indeed the idea of it was already almost given up. The four sat
in the smoke-room looking exceeding glum. Attempts to make congenial
conversation failed. The Parson felt that it was incumbent on him to
cheer up his friends, and after other kind efforts he bethought himself
of what he considered to be an excellent story.
“Upon my word, you fellows,” he said, “I nearly forgot to tell you of
the most extraordinary occurrence that I have ever heard of, and one in
which a strange point of golfing law is involved. The case must be sent
to St. Andrews.”
Everybody was alert at this announcement. It is an excellent thing to
know that a poser of sorts is going to be put to that autocratic
assembly in Fifeshire.
“Splendid!” ejaculated the Colonel, “we must hear this story of yours,
Septimus; but I hope you are not going to pitch us that yarn you once
told me about your wife’s brother having once played a low push shot
across a river, and a salmon leaping at the ball as it skimmed across
and being carried with it on to the bank! We have heard that, you know.”
“As I told you at the time,” responded the Parson, “I only repeated what
my wife’s brother told me, and I certainly did not say that I had seen
the fish dragged on to the bank in that manner. But this story was told
me by my son Richard, when he was down from Oxford last time, and he
declares the incident happened on the course at Radley. One of the men
was engaged in a match, and going to the tenth he played a beautiful run
up from forty yards off the putting green, that actually made the ball
hit the pin and then it rolled into the hole; but it had no sooner got
into the hole than out it flew again, and after it came a large frog! It
was clear that the ball had rolled on the back of the frog in the hole,
and that this frog, startled, no doubt, jumped up and out of the hole,
ejecting the ball at the same time. The ball came to rest on the green,
and my son’s friend thereupon claimed that he had holed out.”
For a few seconds there was a stony silence, and then the Colonel burst
out with a loud guffaw.
“My dear old boy,” he exclaimed, “I am sure that you will find that
story, or one very like it, in the Old Testament somewhere if you look
sufficiently. It is as old as the hills! You really should not tell us
these things. You know what the American did when he was told that
story? He put a recommendation in the suggestion book that the club
should urge upon the St. Andrews authorities that they should make an
addition to the rules to something like this effect:
“‘If any frog, toad, snake, or other reptile, or a mouse, rat, weasel,
mole, gopher, or other vermin (or in the case of casual water, a pike,
pickerel, perch, pompano, or other fish) be in or near the hole, its
presence being established to the satisfaction of two independent
witnesses, such reptile, vermin, or fish must be removed before the next
stroke is played, under penalty of the loss of the hole. Should a player
unwittingly play at the hole when such reptile, vermin, or fish is in
it, its presence being subsequently attested by the aforesaid
independent witnesses, and such reptile, vermin, or fish either hinder
the ball from entering the hole or eject it therefrom, the ball shall
nevertheless be considered to have been duly holed, and no penalty shall
be incurred.’
“Still,” went on the Colonel, after this little pleasantry, “you have
given us a most excellent idea, Septimus. Now let each one of us think
awhile, and let us see who can present to our little company the
stiffest poser in golf law. Each of us, I suggest, shall be allowed to
look at the rules for the space of ten minutes, no more and no less, and
shall then have ten more minutes for consideration of his problem. What
do you say, boys?”
All agreed that the idea was a most excellent one for the purpose of
killing time and gathering knowledge about the rules. It was decided
that the company should vote, if necessary, on the answers, and that
while the Parson should be at liberty to choose his own position in the
recital in virtue of what he had done already, the others should draw
lots. The reverend gentleman decided that he would go last, and, on lots
being drawn, the Colonel was settled to present the first problem, the
Author the second, and the M.P. the third. When the twenty minutes had
expired the four assembled at the table, and the Colonel was called upon
to present his queer case. It was suggested to him that he should make
it look as real as possible.
He submitted it as follows:
“Here is a nice point, which I think an Imperial Conference might be
called upon to determine. General Botha, let us say, has a little dog,
which takes some intelligent interest in the game of golf, as do many
other dogs. He goes out to play a match with Dr. Jameson, and despite
all rule and custom, ‘Bobs,’ as the little dog is called, is permitted
to accompany them. When approaching the fourth hole the Doctor plays a
lovely wrist shot with his iron which sends the ball on to the green,
trickling close up to the pin. In one of his frisky moments that
wretched dog scampers after it, picks it up in his mouth before it (the
ball) had stopped running, and then begins playing about with it. The
dog drops the ball on to the green two or three times, paws at it and
plays with it, and then, seemingly struck by an inspiration, rolls it
into the hole. ‘By Jove! That’s my hole, then, Botha!’ exclaims the
Doctor, although the General has laid his ball dead with his mashie with
the like. ‘How do you make that out? Let us be fair, now that we are
such good friends,’ says Botha. ‘Most certainly,’ replies the Doctor,
‘but you must see that as the ball went into the hole from that last
shot of mine I holed from that shot. Of course it was a pity that your
dog got up to his tricks, but he is an outside agency, and I don’t see
that it makes any difference to the result.’ Botha thinks awhile. Then
he asks, ‘Did you watch “Bobs” closely while he had the ball?’
Dr. Jameson assented. ‘Then,’ Botha says, ‘there may be one
circumstance in which you do not win that hole, my friend, and when we
go to England we will discuss it with the authorities.’ Now what was
passing through Botha’s mind, and is his point a good one anyway?”
“Excellent for you, Colonel,” said the M.P. after a moment’s pause.
“Now, gentlemen, what must we do with Botha, for it is clear that we are
the authority to whom he refers. But then we have a right to know what
it was that Botha had in his mind at the finish of his little argument
with Dr. Jim. You will tell us that, Colonel?”
“Botha urges that he saw ‘Bobs’ let the ball come to rest when pawing it
about.”
“And what does Jameson say to that?” inquired the Author.
“Oh, Jameson does not deny it. He says that he did not see it, but he
thinks it very probable, and he will certainly yield that point if it is
material, as he desires that the case should be settled strictly on its
merits, neither side taking any unfair advantage of the other.”
“It is a pity that they could not settle it on terms of equity,” said
the Parson.
“I don’t agree that equity has anything to do with the case,” observed
the Colonel at length. “It seems to me that Botha’s point settles it,
and that the ball must be played from the place where the dog allowed it
to come to rest. I don’t think Dr. Jim wins the hole at all. Rule 22
governs the case partly but not entirely. By the way, Septimus, when we
turn up rules to settle these cases, I think you should only look at
those affecting the one in hand, and not at other rules which have a
bearing on the case you are to present. You have had your ten minutes’
study, you know. Now it is clear that the ball was in motion when the
dog seized it, and if the dog then took it direct to the hole it all
counted in the stroke. This case does not come within the clause about
the ball lodging in anything moving, because the dog was not moving when
it seized the ball. Once the dog let the ball stop on the green the
stroke was ended. Therefore it is evidently a question as to whether it
allowed it to come to rest or not, and Botha’s evidence settles the
matter. What do you say, William?”
“I entirely agree,” responded the M.P.
“And you, Jim?”
“I agree,” said the Author.
“I trust we can count on your support, Septimus?” said the Colonel,
looking across towards the Parson.
“Oh, certainly,” he replied.
“Gentlemen,” said the Colonel in his most official manner, “it is
determined that Dr. Jameson did not hole out with that stroke. I am
informed that they putted out afterwards, each in one more, and
therefore the hole was halved. Now, my literary friend, will you kindly
present your case?”
The Author thereupon advanced his queer case as follows:
“A very awkward point has arisen in the course of play on the links at
Valhalla. Shakespeare and Bacon, who are staying there at the present
time, got up very early one morning, when the other golfers were asleep,
and went out for a match, without caddies. Going to the seventh hole,
which is both a short one and a blind one--a thoroughly bad hole--the
players were not aware that the greenkeeper was on the putting-green
cutting a new hole. They played their tee shots and then went forward to
the green, when they were surprised to find that the ball of each lay
dead to a different hole. The greenkeeper had taken the flag and the
metal lining out of the old hole, and had cut the slab of turf out of
the new one, but had not at that time placed the metal cup or the flag
into the new one, nor put the turf into the old one to fill it up.
Bacon’s ball lay dead to the new hole, and Shakespeare’s to the old one.
Each insisted on holing out at the hole to which his ball lay dead (the
holes were many yards apart), and then the dispute began, each claiming
the hole. Shakespeare said that as the new hole was not finished the old
one was still in commission. ‘No,’ said Bacon, ‘not satisfied with
cheating me out of my plays, you now try to take my holes. We have
evidently been playing at new holes all the way out so far, and we must
continue to do so. It is the new holes that count.’ ‘But,’ expostulated
Shakespeare, ‘there are more old holes on the course at the present time
than new ones. And this wretched greenkeeper will take two hours to
finish his job. Must we dawdle behind him the whole way round? Let us
ask the greenkeeper which hole was most like a hole at the time the
balls came on to the green.’ The greenkeeper, however, was very
ill-tempered, having been nearly hit by one of the balls, and he
declined to answer the question. He said that people had no business to
be playing on the course while holes were being cut, _no matter who they
were_. Eventually the parties gave up their match and went back to the
clubhouse, when they agreed to submit the point to some carefully
constituted authority that would do its best to settle this most
unfortunate and undignified quarrel between two eminently respectable
persons of considerable standing.”
The Author looked about him after this deliverance.
“H’m!” muttered the Colonel, “not bad for you, Jim.”
“It seems to me,” said the Reverend Septimus, “that Bacon certainly won
if the new hole was full size, despite its not having had the tin put
into it.”
“Oh yes, it was full size,” interposed the Author.
“The old hole,” pursued the Parson, “was ground under repair, but if the
new hole was not full size Shakespeare won.”
“Of course,” remarked the Author, “the tin is only mentioned to indicate
the state of transition.”
“I don’t agree with Septimus,” said the M.P. “The rules do not provide
for this contingency, and it must be settled under the equity clause of
Rule 36. Regarding it in this way, it seems exactly six of one and half
a dozen of the other, and the best--indeed, the only thing--to do is to
regard the green as under repair, and the hole as temporarily closed.
Shakespeare and Bacon should therefore call it a half and pass on. If
they had seen the flag before playing their tee shots it might have made
a difference.”
“I am in entire accord with you, William,” the Colonel declared.
“Ditto,” said the Author. “That was the ruling I had in my mind.”
“I think we ought to have another opinion,” persisted the Parson, “but
for the present I desire to go with the majority.”
“Now let us hear the character of the problem that our friend the hon.
member for North-East Fife has to present to this tribunal,” said the
Colonel, with an expectant look to the quarter indicated.
“My case is a somewhat singular one, gentlemen,” the M.P. responded. “It
is this:
“A public road leading to the clubhouse crosses the line to the second
hole, and when John Smith and Isaac Rosenstein were playing this hole it
happened that Isaac’s bad slice landed his ball under the back seat of a
motor-car standing still in the road, said car, curiously enough, being
the new one which Rosenstein himself has bought this season, and which,
it is suggested, he likes to ‘show off’ with. Seeing where the ball had
gone to, and having the price of ten balls on the match, a thought
passed through his mind. Hailing the chauffeur in the car, he exclaimed,
‘You mitherable vellow! Did I not tell you to geep that car in the
garage at the back of the clubhouse, where it vould not be damaged. Be
off vith you this very instant, or I vill sack you! Quick!’ And before
John Smith could speak the chauffeur was doing his forty miles an hour
back to the clubhouse--with the ball still in the car. Smith and
Rosenstein then wrangled for hours, the latter being greatly astonished
because his opponent objected to his dropping a ball, and that without
penalty, at the spot where he played his last stroke. The points
presented for argument are these: (1) Shall Rosenstein drop without
losing a stroke? (2) Shall he drop and lose stroke and distance?
(3) Shall he not drop at all, but lose the hole? (4) Shall he play the
ball from where it lies under the seat of the motor-car in the club
garage, as, if he loses on the first two counts, he wants to do?
(5) What ought to have been done?”
“I trust that your friend Rosenstein will not offer himself as a
candidate for membership of this club,” observed the Colonel with a
smile, “because you might tell him if he thinks of doing so that I have
heard of this incident, and I happen to be on the committee.”
“He is no friend of mine,” said the M.P.
“Well then, gentlemen,” the man of arms demanded, “what is your pleasure
that we should do in the _affaire_ Rosenstein?”
“I don’t think there is very much doubt about that,” observed the
Parson, “We must be unanimous in this matter. I think we may safely
leave it to you, Colonel, to make the award.”
The M.P. and the Author assented, but it was understood that the former
should have the privilege of sending the case back for re-trial if he
disagreed.
“Then, gentlemen,” said the Colonel, “I give judgment as follows:
“Rosenstein loses the hole. It was his duty to have played the ball from
the place where it lodged in the car, and there is a strong suspicion
that he knew it! He is not entitled to regard the car as an agency
outside the match, since he controlled the car and ordered it away. By
his own act he made it impossible for him to obey the rules. He loses
under Rule 7, and it may be mentioned that the Rules of Golf Committee
has already decided that a ball played into a motor-car must be played
out of it, or the hole given up. Clearly the ball lying in the car in
the club garage does not lie where it did before.”
“I quite agree,” said the M.P.
“But should not something be done with Rosenstein?” the Parson asked.
“That is for his own committee to determine,” the Colonel replied. “We
have no jurisdiction. And now, Septimus, I am sure that the tit-bit of
this sitting of the court will be submitted by you. We are anticipating
that. I beg to move that if your case is not so pointed and interesting
as those already presented, you shall be condemned to give such an order
to the steward as will do something to stifle our disappointment, and
take the chill from our blood on this wretched day. What do you think,
my colleagues?”
“It is an excellent and a most proper idea,” the Author said, and the
M.P. concurred.
“As you will,” the clergyman assented. “Now the little problem that has
arisen in my mind runs this way:--
“Dives said to Lazarus, ‘These are days of charity, my poor friend, but
the cases must be deserving. The par of this course is 74. If you can
get round in 68 I will give you one twentieth of what I have got.’
Lazarus wept tears of gratitude, and forthwith began to take lessons and
to practise exceedingly, three rounds a day, for his handicap was 24.
And years passed by and he did not go round even in par; but one day,
having great luck, a sensation was caused about the links, and the word
was passed about that old Lazarus had got a 4 at the last hole to do 68.
And he had. But he took 3 to get on the green, and then had a 10-yard
putt for the 4 and 68, which was not an easy matter, particularly as
the putt was downhill and there was a big slope from the left as well.
Dives was watching and he smiled, but Lazarus was in sore trouble. Then
he bethought himself of an idea, and he placed a ball to the left of his
own and he tried to putt it to a point exactly a foot to the left of the
hole. First he found that he borrowed too much, and then too little, and
next that he was too strong, but eventually he got it right exactly, and
his ball just got to a foot to the left of the hole. ‘Now, I know,’ he
said, and then he putted his proper ball, and with great confidence, and
it went into the hole! Whereupon Dives was much wroth, and said, ‘Surely
I will not give you a twentieth of what I have got, for you have
offended against the law and the spirit of the game, and you did not go
round in 68, but are disqualified.’ Lazarus said, ‘Master, I have not
offended against the law of the game, and as for the spirit thereof I
care not, for having gained the twentieth of what you have got I shall
never play it more.’ And when they heard what Lazarus said they were
amazed, and they said they must have some proper judgment upon it. Does
Lazarus come into his fortune after finding the line and strength of his
putt in that fashion?”
The Parson seemed pleased with himself when he had finished his
statement.
“I believe the beggar’s got off--Septimus, I mean!” the M.P. ejaculated.
“I am sure he has,” agreed the Colonel.
“Now, you see,” put in the Author, “the wretched Lazarus did not tamper
with the line of the putt. He practised along what was to all intents
and purposes that line; but it was not the line, or else he might have
been caught. He placed no mark and drew no line.”
“That is so,” muttered the Colonel thoughtfully.
“He clearly offended against the spirit of the game,” the M.P. observed.
“You or I would not have done such a thing in any circumstances, eh,
Colonel?”
“Of course not,” the Colonel replied, “but it has to be remembered that
this was really almost a matter of life and death to the old man, and in
such a case he was perhaps not to be blamed for sticking to the strict
letter of the law. From our point of view the spirit is above the law;
but when it comes to a case of this kind, with goodness knows how many
thousands at stake, a merciless fellow on the other side who is himself
inclined to stick to the law exactly, and when Lazarus, as he says,
intends to have done with the game, why I am not sure that from his
point of view--his, mind you--he is to be condemned for throwing the
spirit overboard. His opponent would do so--in fact, to all intents and
purposes he does. This has become a strictly business transaction. The
question is, did he break the law?”
“You remember the Rules Committee’s decision in the famous Selkirk case
in 1906?” the M.P. asked. “It showed the Committee’s very proper anxiety
to preserve the true spirit even to the extent of straining the
interpretation of the rule about touching the line of the putt. I
believe some of them privately admitted that they were conscious of
straining it; but they were doing so in a very good cause, and to my
mind they were to be applauded rather than blamed. In this case a
foursome was being played, and while one man was preparing to putt, his
partner stood two yards beyond the hole on the other side, and from
there pointed out the line of the putt, incidentally letting his putter
rest on the turf to do so--two yards beyond the hole. The opponents
claimed the hole on the ground that the line of the putt had been
touched, meaning that the line from the ball to the hole, continued
beyond the hole, was still the line of the putt. The case was sent to
St. Andrews, and the Rules Committee upheld the claim and gave the hole
to the opponents--a remarkable decision!”
“H’m!” the Colonel grunted. “Of course, give some golfers an inch and
they will take a yard; and supposing the putter had been laid on that
line only two inches beyond the hole, the green had been very keen, and
had sloped down to the hole from the back side. If the ball had got to
the point where the putter had rested it might conceivably have rolled
back into the hole. There would be splendid justification for the Rules
Committee in a case of that kind, and it would prove the wisdom of the
Selkirk decision. Of course every day of our lives we see golfers, when
studying their putts from the back side of the hole, allowing their
putters to rest on the green in the continuation of the line. However,
Lazarus seems to have been quite clear of any decision of this kind. By
no stretch of imagination can you call a line which is a foot to one
side of the real line, although parallel to it, ‘the line of the putt.’”
“The Americans have been tinkering with a proposed new set of rules,”
the Author said, “and one of their suggested rules prohibits a practice
swing anywhere except on the tee. That would govern this case.”
“Ah yes, but what about our own code?” the Colonel said.
“The practice stroke is not forbidden,” the M.P. observed after careful
reference to the rules, “but I remember that on one occasion a very
similar point was submitted to the Rules Committee, and they said that
such a thing was so obviously contrary to the spirit of the game that
they had not thought it necessary to legislate upon the point. And they
have not done so, and”--
“That is so, and they were quite right,” the Colonel interrupted
hurriedly, “because this is golf, and we cannot have rules in our code
to say that men must not cheat, and the penalties for doing so. It would
be too much of a reflection on us as gentlemen and golfers. But here is
a most exceptional case, where advantage is taken of the omission, and
Lazarus appeals to the law and the law only. He will stand by the
law--the strict letter of it.”
“I believe he must have his money,” the Author said.
“It is the law,” said the M.P.
“I think so,” put in the Parson.
“Then, Septimus,” the Colonel concluded, “will you kindly tell your
friend Lazarus that he may send a chartered accountant round to Dives’
headquarters to examine his financial position, with a view to a proper
apportionment of his estate on the basis of nineteen parts to Dives and
one part to Lazarus? And you had better tell the new record-holder at
the same time that we don’t like this sort of thing, and we expect him
to keep to his statement that he will not play the game again. He will
have the fever on him after that 68, and with a few thousands a year at
his disposal he will be after getting into all the clubs. I know these
renunciations of golf. I have renounced myself--hundreds of times!”
At this moment the door opened and the steward entered to say that
luncheon was ready. “Splendid!” exclaimed the Colonel. “Gentlemen, the
court is closed!”
V
Golf remained impossible in the afternoon, and the M.P. filled up his
time by working out some golf statistics with a view to indicating to
the ignorant public what was comprised in a year of golf.
“You see,” he said, “sooner or later some of the very high authorities
will find it to be necessary to take very serious notice of this game,
of the number of people whose time it claims, of the land it engages, of
the capital sunk in it, and of the enormous current expenditure upon it.
Golf has really become a considerable factor in the social scheme of
this country, and this must be recognised by legislators. I see that the
Union authorities at Wirral have been giving some attention to the
matter, with the result that they have jumped on the Royal Liverpool
Club with an enormously increased assessment. The process of milking the
golfer will begin soon.”
“Well,” said the Colonel indulgently, “if our little game is to become a
matter of national importance, you will be having questions asked about
it in the House before long; eh, William?”
“It is odd that you should make that suggestion,” the Parliamentarian
responded, as he began to rummage in the inside pocket of his coat,
“because I have a rather curious document here which amplifies it
somewhat. Let me see--I am sure I had it in my letter-case--well,
well!--Ah yes, here it is! I was going to say that one of the keenest
golf youngsters we have got in this Parliament is young Norris, whose
constant object in life seems to be to pair off with one of the
Opposition down to Sunningdale. I believe he would rather win the
Parliamentary Handicap next year than get a small Government job. Well,
in the House he is always filling up his spare time with the development
of some golfing idea or other. The other night there was quite an angry
discussion between him and another of his kidney upon the question as to
whether, if a ball were teed alongside the Beaconsfield statue, a Massey
or a Braid could loft it over the Houses of Parliament and into the
river, and eventually the pair of them went out to see what sort of a
shot it really would be. The next night, when somebody whispered to him
that there would be a lot more sense in discussing a Bill for the
Regulation of the Rubber Core than the measure that just then was
occupying the attention of the House, he got out some paper and
concocted what he called a ‘Forecast of a Report of the Parliamentary
Proceedings in 1950,’ and that is what I have got here. Just listen to
this for question time:
“‘HOUSE OF COMMONS--_Thursday_
“‘The Speaker took the chair at 3.5.
“‘UNREST IN MOROCCO
“‘In answer to Mr. R. Kore (+1), the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR FOREIGN
AFFAIRS stated that no more rubber-cored balls would be shipped to
Morocco until some kind of guarantee had been given by the Maghzen that
British golfers would be treated with respect and every consideration
extended to them in the pursuit of their game. Latest advices were to
the effect that parties of Moors had constantly collected round the
ninth green at Tangier and the third at Mogador and had made faces at
the players while they were putting, causing them the most intense
annoyance and completely ruining their play. His Majesty’s ships _Baffy_
and _Niblick_ had been instructed to proceed to Mogador without delay,
and left Gibraltar on Friday. (Loud cheers from both Government and
Opposition benches.)
“‘MR. A. GUTTA (10): Is it a fact that Germany has encouraged the Moors
in these acts of rebellion? (Loud cries of “Order.”)
“‘THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS: The hon. member must
perceive that public considerations make it undesirable that any answer
should be given to his question.
“‘MR. WILL LABOR (40): Will the right hon. gentleman inform the House
what are the handicaps of the British officials at present in Morocco,
and will he state whether in his opinion the rebellious attitude of the
Moors has been caused to some extent by the inferior playing capacity of
these servants, which has been such as to excite the derision of the
native population? (Loud cries of “Order” and “Withdraw.”)
“‘THE SPEAKER: The hon. member must not cast aspersions on the handicaps
of the public servants of His Majesty’s Government.
“‘MR. LABOR: I could give them all a stroke a hole! (“Oh, oh.”)
“‘THE SPEAKER: I must ask the hon. member not to persist in these
reflections on the playing quality of the Government servants in
Morocco, and to withdraw what he has already said.
“‘MR. LABOR: I withdraw. No doubt they are all Vardons. (“Order,
order.”)
“‘THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS: It may interest the hon.
gentleman the member for Woolwich, to know that a cable received at the
Foreign Office this morning stated that the British Consul at Mogador
had just holed out with a mashie shot. (Loud and prolonged cheering.)
“‘GREAT BRITAIN AND RUSSIA
“‘In answer to Mr. T. Box (+4), the PRIME MINISTER (+7) said that there
was no development to report in the negotiations which were at present
proceeding with the Government of Russia. The British Government had
suggested that under clause 563B of the Hague Convention the differences
existing between the two Governments should be decided by one
professional foursome, but Russia had replied that this suggestion was
obviously unfair, unless the British Government gave an undertaking not
to select Taylor and Braid as their representatives. In the absence of a
friendly understanding on such lines as these, there would be nothing
for it but for the British Government to pour golfers into Russia with a
view to winning all their monthly medals and cups, and with such a
possibility in view detachments of our best players had been mobilised
and were now doing two practice rounds a day at Sandwich and Prestwick.
The transports _Stymie_ and _Bunker_ were in readiness, each stored with
ten thousand boxes of the best balls. (Loud Government and Opposition
cheers.)
“‘THE BOOM IN THE BALL TRADE
“‘MR. R. TISAN (20) asked whether it was true that the ballmakers of
Glasgow had been working twenty-four hours a day for the last six weeks,
and in some cases more.
“‘THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE (scratch): In no case have these
ballmakers been working more than twenty-three hours a day, and they
have been paid at the full twenty-four rate, and are quite satisfied. If
Great Britain did not make and sell the balls, America would.
“‘MR. R. TISAN: But they have no time left for play.
“‘THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE: They play nine holes in the
dinner hour instead of utilising it in the customary manner. (“Hear,
hear.”)
“‘NO STYMIES
“‘In answer to Mr. Foozleum (42), the MINISTER OF EDUCATION (2) stated
that it was not true that the children in the schools at Hoylake and
Westward Ho! were being taught to play no stymies, or that they were
systematically encouraged to play the score game to the neglect of true
match play. What had happened was simply this, that there had been
complaints that the last lot of mashies that had been received from
Taylor and Forgan had not sufficient loft for very young players, and
that all attempts to loft over stymies with them had failed, though the
senior players experienced no such difficulties. In the circumstances
the teachers, acting under authority of the Board of Education, had
thought it best to suspend stymies until more mashies came to hand. As
to score play, the simple fact was that one or two of the senior
students were going in for the Open Championship, and had been doing a
little practising in view of it. It might interest the House to know
that one of them, Smith by name, had done a round of 75 at Hoylake with
a wind blowing straight upwards from the turf. This was a splendid
performance, and showed the efficacy of the new Education Act which the
Government brought into force last year, which made the use of the
_Complete Golfer_ compulsory in all elementary schools. (Loud
Ministerial cheers.)
“‘BILLS
“‘The Bogey Amendment Bill was read a third time and passed.
“‘The Women’s Handicaps Bill was read a first time.
“‘CHAMPIONSHIP COURSES
“‘The House then went into Committee on the Championship Courses Bill.
“‘MR. JOHN BLUMOND (scratch) asked how much longer the just claims of
Ireland were to be ignored. Irish golfers were in such a state of
irritation, due to the way in which they were neglected, that it was
impossible for them to settle down to the improvement of their game,
with the result that Irish driving was never so bad as at present, and
his suffering compatriots could not putt for nuts or potatoes.
[LEFT SITTING].’”
“Rather good,” commented the Author at the end of this recital. “Wasn’t
it that young Norris who circulated the jest that if he could play his
mashie pitches properly he would be down to scratch and in the running
for a small kind of office, and that if he could get to plus 7 he would
be the President of the British Republic?”
“That’s the man,” the M.P. answered. “Very nice sort of chap, too. We
must bring him down here one day. Richardson took him down to Rye for a
week-end once, but had to go back to town again without him at the end
of a whole week.”
“Ha!” said the Colonel, “but that’s nothing in comparison with the true
story of the non-golfer who went to Sandwich for a week-end nine years
ago, and at the invitation of his friend experimented with the game, and
has been down there ever since, playing it!”
“Good man!” exclaimed the Author.
“But what about these statistics, William?” the Colonel inquired.
“Well,” said the M.P., “I have calculated that at the present time there
are over a million acres under golf in Great Britain, and that a
sum-total of about £4,700,000 a year is now spent on the game in this
country. But you get the queerest results when you come to consider the
balls that are used in a year, and what happens to them.”
“Proceed,” said the Colonel.