SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones.
GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN _curtseys_)
You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in
the proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and
gentleness.
SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (_Enter_ PAULINE. _She
has a telegram which she hands to_ GRANDMA. _Also has the dummy, which
she throws on the floor carelessly_.)
PAULINE. Here's your husband.
GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner.
PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long,
mam. I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from
morning to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin'
the scrub work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am.
GRANDMA. (_after reading telegram_) You are tired of being a scholar,
are you, PAULINE?
PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from
the cellar up.
GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am
going to reward you.
PAULINE. (_happily_) Reward me, mam?
GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of
Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a
professor, Pauline?
PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my
name, a professor?
GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you
my Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of
Rudiments, (_all curtsey_)
PAULINE, (_wiping her eyes_) I feel like I ought to make a speech, mam,
but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice to
the job, mam.
GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of
Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing--
PAULINE. Scrubbin'?
GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves.
PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves?
GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will
study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they
will watch you.
PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and--It's mighty like the job of bein'
scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and
mop?
GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given
you such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay,
you shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition
you have received.
PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work
I owe you, or do I do it?
GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child,
don't you? (PAULINE _stands puzzled_) Now, young ladies, I will leave
you to your two new Professors, (_exit_ GRANDMA)
(PAULINE, _when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees
dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down
angrily_)
PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (_ goes to tea table and
eats and drinks during the following scene_)
SUSAN. Fellow females! (_the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with
one another. Finally_ KATE's _voice is heard_)
KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live.
GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at
Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him.
EDITH. What did he do, Grace?
GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said,
"Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said,
"Oh, I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!"
IDA. The _horrid_ thing. I think boys are just too horrid for anything.
I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at all. I'm
through with George!
EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I
consider it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other
girl.
IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two
blocks away--
EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you.
IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to
hear. I always hear when George oo-oos.
MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed
at him.
KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry!
MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent _him_
about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and
I oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said,
"I'm going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you
think _he_ said?
GRACE. What did he say?