OBEYING ORDERS.
As I shared Mrs. Sandford's room, of course I had very scant
opportunities of being by myself. In the delightful early mornings I
was accustomed to take my book, therefore, and go down where I had
gone the first morning, to the rocks by the river's side. Nobody came
by that way at so early an hour; I had been seen by nobody except that
one time, when Thorold and his companion passed me; and I felt quite
safe. It was pleasanter down there than can be told. However sultry
the air on the heights above, so near the water there was always a
savour of freshness; or else I fancied it, in the hearing of the soft
liquid murmur of the little wavelets against the shore. But sometimes
it was so still I could hear nothing of that; then birds and insects,
or the faint notes of a bugle call, were the only things to break the
absolute hush; and the light was my refreshment, on river and tree and
rock and hill; one day sharp and clear, another day fairylandlike and
dreamy through golden mist.
It was a good retiring place in any case, so early in the day. I could
read and pray there better than in a room, I thought. The next morning
after my second dancing party, I was there as usual. It was a sultry July
morning, the yellow light in the haze on the hills threatening a very hot
day. I was very happy, as usual; but somehow my thoughts went roaming off
into the yellow haze, as if the landscape had been my life, and I were
trying to pick out points of light here and there, and sporting on the
gay surface. I danced my dances over again in the flow of the river;
heard soft words of kindness or admiration in the song of the birds;
wandered away in mazes of speculative fancy among the thickets of tree
stems and underbrush. The sweet wonderful note of a wood-thrush,
somewhere far out of sight, assured me, what everything conspired to
assure me, that I was certainly in fairyland, not on the common earth.
But I could not get on with my Bible at all. Again and again I began to
read; then a bird or a bough or a ripple would catch my attention, and
straightway I was off on a flight of fancy or memory, dancing over again
my dances with Mr. Thorold, dwelling upon the impression of his figure
and dress, and the fascination of his brilliant, changing hazel eyes; or
recalling Captain Vaux's or somebody else's insipid words and looks, or
Faustina St. Clair's manner of ill-will; or on the other hand giving a
passing thought to the question how I should dress the next hop night.
After a long wandering, I would come back and begin at my Bible again,
but only for a little; my fancy could not be held to it; and a few
scarcely read verses and a few half-uttered petitions were all I had
accomplished before the clangour of the hotel gong, sounding down even to
me, warned me that my time was gone. And the note of the wood-thrush, as
I slowly mounted the path, struck reproachfully and rebukingly upon the
ear of my conscience.
How had this come about? I mused as I went up the hill. What was the
matter? What had bewitched me? No pleasure in my Bible; no time for
prayer; and only the motion of feet moving to music, only the flutter
of lace and muslin, and the flashing of hazel eyes, filling my brain.
What was wrong? Nay, something. And why had Mrs. Sandford "feared" I
would not go to the hops? Were they not places for Christians to go
to? What earthly harm? Only pleasure. But what if pleasure that marred
better pleasure--that interrupted duty? And why was I ruminating on
styles and colours, and proposing to put on another dress that should
be more becoming the next time? and thinking that it would be well it
should be a contrast to Faustina St. Clair? What! entering the lists
with her, on her own field? No, no; I could not think of it. But what
then? And what was this little flutter at my heart about gentlemen's
words and looks of homage and liking? What could it be to me, that
such people as Captain Vaux or Captain Lascelles liked me? Captain
Lascelles, who when he was not dancing or flirting was pleased to curl
himself up on one of the window seats like a monkey, and take a
grinning survey of what went on. Was I flattered by such admiration as
his?--or _any_ admiration? I liked to have Mr. Thorold like me; yes, I
was not wrong to be pleased with that; besides, that was _liking_; not
empty compliments. But for my lace and my India muslin and my
"Southern elegance"--I knew Colonel Walrus meant me when he talked
about that--was I thinking of admiration for such things as these, and
thinking so much that my Bible reading had lost its charm? What was in
fault? Not the hops? They were too pleasant. It could not be the hops.
I mounted the hill slowly and in a great maze, getting more and more
troubled. I entering the lists with Faustina St. Clair, going in her
ways? I knew these were her ways. I had heard scraps enough of
conversation among the girls about these things, which I then did not
understand. And another word came therewith into my mind, powerful
once before, and powerful now to disentangle the false from the true.
"The world knoweth us not." Did it not know me, last night? Would it
not, if I went there again? But the hops were so pleasant!
It almost excites a smile in me now to think how pleasant they were. I
was only sixteen. I had seen no dancing parties other than the little
school assemblages at Mme. Ricard's; and I was fond of the amusement
even there. Here, it seemed to me, then, as if all prettiness and
pleasantness that could come together in such a gathering met in the
dancing room of the cadets. I think not very differently now, as to
that point. The pretty accompaniments of uniform; the simple style and
hours; the hearty enjoyment of the occasion; were all a little unlike
what is found at other places. And to me, and to increase my
difficulty, came a crowning pleasure; I met Thorold there. To have a
good dance and talk with him was worth certainly all the rest. Must I
give it up?
I could not bear to think so, but the difficulty helped to prick my
conscience. There had been only two hops, and I was so enthralled
already. How would it be if I had been to a dozen; and where might it
end? And the word stands,--"The world knoweth us _not_."
It must not know me, Daisy Randolph, as in any sort belonging to it or
mixed up with it; and therefore--Daisy Randolph must go to the hop no
more. I felt the certainty of the decision growing over me, even while
I was appalled by it. I staved off consideration all that day.
In the afternoon Mr. Thorold came and took me to see the laboratory,
and explained for me a number of curious things. I should have had
great enjoyment, if Preston had not taken it into his head, unasked,
to go along; being unluckily with me when Thorold came. He was a
thorough marplot; saying nothing of consequence himself, and only
keeping a grim watch--I could take it as nothing else--of everything
we said and did. Consequently, Mr. Thorold's lecture was very proper
and grave, instead of being full of fun and amusement, as well as
instruction. I took Preston to task about it when we got home.
"You hinder pleasure when you go in that mood," I told him.
"What mood?"
"You know. You never are pleasant when Mr. Thorold is present or when
he is mentioned."
"He is a cowardly Yankee!" was Preston's rejoinder.
"_Cowardly_, Gary?"--said somebody near; and I saw a cadet whom I did
not know, who came from behind us and passed by on the piazza. He did
not look at us, and stayed not for any more words; but turning to
Preston, I was surprised to see his face violently flushed.
"Who was that?"
"No matter--impertinence!" he muttered.
"But what _is_ the matter? and what did he mean?"
"He is one of Thorold's set," said Preston; "and I tell you Daisy, you
shall not have anything to do with them. Aunt Felicia would never
allow it. She would not look at them herself. You shall not have
anything more to do with them."
How could I, if I was going no more to the hops? How could I see
Thorold, or anybody? The thought struck to my heart, and I made no
answer. Company, however, kept me from considering the matter all the
evening.
But the next day, early, I was in my usual place: near the river side,
among the rocks, with my Bible; and I resolved to settle the question
there as it ought to be settled. I was resolved; but to do what I had
resolved was difficult. For I wanted to go to the hop that evening
very much. Visions of it floated before me; snatches of music and
gleams of light; figures moving in harmony; words and looks; and--my
own white little person. All these made a kind of quaint mosaic with
flashes of light on the river, and broad warm bands of sunshine on the
hills, and the foliage of trees and bushes, and the grey lichened
rocks at my foot. It was confusing; but I turned over the leaves of my
Bible to see if I could find some undoubted direction as to what I
ought to do, or perhaps rather some clear permission for what I wished
to do. I could not remember that the Bible said anything about
dancing, _pro_ or _con_; dancing, I thought, could not be wrong; but
this confusion in my mind was not right. I fluttered over my leaves a
good while with no help; then I thought I might as well take a chapter
somewhere and study it through. The whole chapter, it was the third of
Colossians, did not seem to me to go favourably for my pleasure; but
the seventeenth verse brought me to a point,--"Whatsoever ye do in
word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus."
There was no loophole here for excuses or getting off, "_Whatsoever ye
do._" Did I wish it otherwise? No, I did not. I was content with the
terms of service; but now about dancing, or rather, the dancing party?
"In the name of the Lord Jesus." Could I go there in that name? as the
servant of my Master, busy about His work, or taking pleasure that He
had given me to take? That was the question. And all my visions of
gay words and gay scenes, all the flutter of pleased vanity and the
hope of it, rose up and answered me. By that thought of the pretty
dress I would wear, I knew I should not wear it "in the name of the
Lord Jesus;" for my thought was of honour to myself, not to Him. By
the fear which darted into my head, that Mr. Thorold might dance with
Faustina if I were not there, I knew I should not go "in the name of
the Lord," if I went; but to gratify my own selfish pride and
emulation. By the confusion which had reigned in my brain these two
days, by the tastelessness of my Bible, by the unaptness for prayer, I
knew I could not go in the name of my Lord, for it would be to unfit
myself for His work.
The matter was settled in one way; but the pain of it took longer to come
to an end. It is sorrowful to me to remember now how hard it was to get
over. My vanity I was heartily ashamed of, and bade that show its head no
more; my emulation of Faustina St. Clair gave me some horror; but the
pleasure--the real honest pleasure, of the scene, and the music and the
excitement and the dancing and the seeing people--all that I did not let
go for ever without a hard time of sorrow and some tears. It was not a
_struggle_, for I gave that up at once; only I had to fight pain. It was
one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. And the worst of all and
the most incurable was, I should miss seeing Mr. Thorold. One or two more
walks, possibly, I might have with him; but those long, short evenings of
seeing and talking and dancing!
Mrs. Sandford argued, coaxed, and rallied me; and then said, if I
would not go, she should not; and she did not. That evening we spent
at home together, and alone; for everybody else had drifted over to
the hop. I suppose Mrs. Sandford found it dull; for the next hop night
she changed her mind and left me. I had rather a sorrowful evening.
Dr. Sandford had not come back from the mountains; indeed, I did not
wish for him; and Thorold had not been near us for several days. My
fairyland was getting disenchanted a little bit. But I was quite sure
I had done right.
The next morning, I had hardly been three minutes on my rock by the
river, when Mr. Thorold came round the turn of the walk and took a
seat beside me.
"How do you do?" said he, stretching out his hand. I put mine in it.
"What has become of my friend, this seven years?"
"I am here--" I said.
"I see you. But why have I _not_ seen you, all this while?"
"I suppose you have been busy," I answered.
"Busy! Of course I have, or I should have been here asking questions.
I was not too busy to dance with you: and I was promised--how many
dances? Where have you been?"
"I have been at home."
"Why?"
Would Mr. Thorold understand me? Mrs. Sandford did not. My own mother
never did. I hesitated, and he repeated his question, and those hazel
eyes were sparkling all sorts of queries around me.
"I have given up going to the hops," I said.
"Given up? Do you mean, you _don't_ mean, that you are never coming
any more?"
"I am not coming any more."
"Don't you sometimes change your decisions?"
"I suppose I do," I answered; "but not this one."
"I am in a great puzzle," he said. "And very sorry. Aren't you going
to be so good as to give me some clue to this mystery? Did you find
the hops so dull?"
And he looked very serious indeed.
"Oh no!" I said. "I liked them very much--I enjoyed them very much. I
am sorry to stay away."
"Then you will not stay away very long."
"Yes--I shall."
"Why?" he asked again, with a little sort of imperative curiosity
which was somehow very pleasant to me.
"I do not think it is right for me to go," I said. Then, seeing grave
astonishment and great mystification in his face, I added, "I am a
Christian, Mr. Thorold."
"A Christian!" he cried, with flashes of light and shadow crossing his
brow. "Is _that_ it?"
"That is it," I assented.
"But my dear Miss Randolph--you know we are friends?"
"Yes," I said, smiling, and glad that he had not forgotten it.
"Then we may talk about what we like. Christians go to hops."
I looked at him without answering.
"Don't you know they do?"
"I suppose they may--" I answered, slowly.
"But they _do_. There was our former colonel's wife--Mrs. Holt; she
was a regular church-goer, and a member of the church; she was always
at the hop, and her sister; they are both church members. Mrs.
Lambkin, General Lambkin's wife, she is another. Major Banks'
sisters--those pretty girls--they are always there; and it is the same
with visitors. Everybody comes; their being Christians does not make
any difference."
"Captain Thorold," said I--"I mean Mr. Thorold, don't you obey your
orders?"
"Yes--general," he said. And he laughed.
"So must I."
"You are not a soldier."
"Yes--I am."
"Have you got orders not to come to our hop?"
"I think I have. You will not understand me, but this is what I mean,
Mr. Thorold. I _am_ a soldier, of another sort from you; and I have
orders not to go anywhere that my Captain does not send me, or where I
cannot be serving Him."
"I wish you would show those orders to me."
I gave him the open page which I had been studying, that same chapter
of Colossians, and pointed out the words. He looked at them, and
turned over the page, and turned it back.
"I don't see the orders," he said.
I was silent. I had not expected he would.
"And I was going to say, I never saw any Christians that were
soldiers; but I have, one. And so you are another?" And he bent upon
me a look so curiously considering, tender, and wondering, at once,
that I could not help smiling.
"A soldier!" said he, again. "You? Have you ever been under fire?"
I smiled again, and then, I don't know what it was. I cannot tell
what, in the question and in the look, touched some weak spot. The
question called up such sharp answers; the look spoke so much
sympathy. It was very odd for me to do, but I was taken unawares; my
eyes fell and filled, and before I could help it were more than full.
I do not know, to this day, how I came to cry before Thorold. It was
very soon over, my weakness, whatever it was. It seemed to touch him
amazingly. He got hold of my hand, put it to his lips, and kissed it
over and over, outside and inside.
"I can see it all in your face," he said, tenderly: "the strength and
the truth to do anything, and bear--whatever is necessary. But I am
not so good as you. I cannot bear anything unless it _is_ necessary;
and this isn't."
"Oh no, nor I!" I said; "but this is necessary, Mr. Thorold."
"Prove it--come."
"You do not see the orders," I said; "but there they are. 'Do all in
the name of the Lord Jesus.' I cannot go to that place 'in His name.'"
"I do not think I understand what you mean," he said, gently. "A
soldier, the best that ever lived, is his own man when he is off duty.
We go to the hop to play--not to work."
"Ah, but a soldier of Christ is never 'off duty,'" I said. "See, Mr.
Thorold--_'whatsoever_ ye do'--'whether ye eat or drink, or whatsoever
ye do.' That covers all; don't you see?"
"That would make it a very heavy thing to be a Christian," he said;
"there would be no liberty at all."
"Oh, but it is all liberty!" I said,--"When you love Jesus."
He looked at me so inquiringly, so inquisitively, that I went on.
"You do not think it hard to do things for anybody you love?"
"No," said he. "I would like to do things for you."
I remember I smiled at that, for it seemed to me very pleasant to hear
him say it; but I went on.
"Then you understand it, Mr. Thorold."
"No," said he, "I do not understand it; for there is this difficulty.
I do not see what in the world such an innocent amusement as that we
are talking of can have to do with Christian duty, one way or another.
Every Christian woman that I know comes to it,--that is young enough;
and some that aren't."
It was very hard to explain.
"Suppose they disobey orders," I said slowly;--"that would be another
reason why I should obey them."
"Of course. But do they?"
"I should," I said. "I am not serving Christ when I am there. I am not
doing the work He has given me to do. I cannot go."
"I came down here on purpose to persuade you," he said.
It was not necessary to answer that, otherwise than by a look.
"And you are unpersuadable," he said; "unmanageable, of course, by me;
strong as a giant, and gentle as a snowflake. But the snowflake melts;
and you--you will go up to the hotel as good a crystal as when you
came down."
This made me laugh, and we had a good laugh together, holding each
other's hand.
"Do you know," said he, "I must go? There is a roll of a summons that
reaches my ear, and I must be at the top of the bank in one minute and
a quarter. I had no leave to be here."
"Hadn't you?" I said. "Oh, then, go, go directly, Mr. Thorold!"
But I could not immediately release my hand, and holding it and
looking at me, Thorold laughed again; his hazel eyes sparkling and
dancing and varying with what feelings I could not tell. They looked
very steadily, too, till I remember mine went down, and then, lifting
his cap, he turned suddenly and sprang away. I sat down to get breath
and think.
I had come to my place rather sober and sorrowful; and what a
pleasant morning I had had! I did not mind at all, now, my not going
to the dances. I had explained myself to Mr. Thorold, and we were not
any further apart for it, and I had had a chance to speak to him about
other things too. And though he did not understand me, perhaps he
would some day. The warning gong sounded before I had well got to my
Bible reading. My Bible reading was very pleasant this morning, and I
could not be baulked of it; so I spent over it near the whole half
hour that remained, and rushed up to the hotel in the last five
minutes. Of course, I was rather late and quite out of breath; and
having no voice and being a little excited, I suppose was the reason
that I curtseyed to Dr. Sandford, whom I met at the head of the piazza
steps. He looked at me like a man taken aback.
"Daisy!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, sir," I answered.
"Where have you come from?"
"From my study," I said. "I have a nice place down by the river which
is my study."
"Rather a public situation for a private withdrawing place," said the
doctor.
"Oh no!" said I. "At this hour--" But there I stopped and began again.
"It is really very private. And it is the pleasantest study place I
think I ever had."
"To study what?"
I held up my book.
"It agrees with you," said the doctor.
"What?" said I, laughing.
"Daisy!" said Dr. Sandford--"I left a quiet bud of a flower a few days
ago--a little demure bit of a schoolgirl, learning geology; and I
have got a young princess here, a full rose, prickles and all, I don't
doubt. What has Mrs. Sandford done with you?"
"I do not know," said I, thinking I had better be demure again. "She
took me to the hop."
"The hop?--how did you like that?"
"I liked it very much."
"You did? You liked it? I did not know that you would go, with your
peculiar notions."
"I went," I said; "I did not know what it was. How could I help liking
it? But I am not going again."
"Why not, if you like it?"
"I am not going again," I repeated. "Shall we have a walk to the hills
to-day, Dr. Sandford?"
"Grant!" said his sister-in-law's voice, "don't you mean the child
shall have any breakfast? What made you so late, Daisy? Come in, and
talk afterwards. Grant is uneasy if he can't see at least your shadow
all the while."
We went in to breakfast, and I took a delightful walk with Dr.
Sandford afterward, back in the ravines of the hills; but I had got an
odd little impression of two things. First, that he, like Preston, was
glad to have me give up going to the hops. I was sure of it from his
air and tone of voice, and it puzzled me; for he could not possibly
have Preston's dislike of Northerners, nor be unwilling that I should
know them. The other thing was, that he would not like my seeing Mr.
Thorold. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. I thought--it was
very odd--but I thought he was _jealous_; or rather, I felt he would
be if he had any knowledge of our friendship for each other. So I
resolved he should have no such knowledge.
Our life went on now as it had done at our first coming. Every day Dr.
Sandford and I went to the woods and hills, on a regular naturalist's
expedition; and nothing is so pleasant as such expeditions. At home, we
were busy with microscopic examinations, preparations, and studies;
delightful studies, and beautiful lessons, in which the doctor was the
finest of instructors, as I have said, and I was at least the happiest of
scholars. Mrs. Sandford fumed a little, and Mr. Sandford laughed; but
that did no harm. Everybody went to the hops, except the doctor and me;
and every morning and evening, at guardmounting and parade, I was on the
ground behind the guard tents to watch the things done and listen to the
music and enjoy all the various beauty. Sometimes I had a glimpse of
Thorold; for many both of cadets and officers used to come and speak to
me and rally me on my seclusion, and endeavour to tempt me out of it.
Thorold did not that; he only looked at me, as if I were something to be
a little wondered at but wholly approved of. It was not a disagreeable
look to meet.
"I must have it out with you," he said one evening, when he had just a
minute to speak to me. "There is a whole world of things I don't
understand, and want to talk about. Let us go Saturday afternoon and
take a long walk up to 'Number Four'--do you like hills?"
"Yes."
"Then let us go up there Saturday--will you?"
And when Saturday came, we went. Preston luckily was not there; and
Dr. Sandford, also luckily, was gone to dine at the General's with his
brother. There were no more shadows on earth than there were clouds in
the sky, as we took our way across the plain and along the bank in
front of the officers' quarters looking north, and went out at the
gate. Then we left civilization and the world behind us, and plunged
into a wild mountain region; going up, by a track which few feet ever
used, the rough slope to "Number Four." Yet that a few feet used it
was plain.
"Do people come here to walk much?" I asked, as we slowly made our way
up.
"Nobody comes here--for anything."
"Somebody _goes_ here," I said. "This is a beaten path."
"Oh, there is a poor woodcutter's family at the top; they do travel up
and down occasionally."
"It is pretty," I said.
"It is pretty at the top; but we are a long way from that. Is it too
rough for you?"
"Not at all," I said. "I like it."
"You are a good walker for a Southern girl."
"Oh, but I have lived at the North; I am only Southern born."
Soon, however, he made me stop to rest. There was a good grey rock
under the shadow of the trees; Thorold placed me on that and threw
himself on the moss at my feet. We were up so high in the world that
the hills on the other side of the river rose beautifully before us
through the trees, and a sunny bit of the lower ground of the plain
looked like a bit of another world that we were leaving. It was a
sunny afternoon and a little hazy; every line softened, every colour
made richer, under the mellowing atmosphere.
"Now you can explain it all to me," said Thorold, as he threw himself
down. "You have walked too fast. You are warm."
"And you do not look as if it was warm at all."
"I! This is nothing to me," he said. "But perhaps it will warm me and
cool you if we get into a talk. I want explanations."
"About what, Mr. Thorold?"
"Well--if you will excuse me--about you," he said, with a very
pleasant look, frank and soft at once.
"I am quite ready to explain myself. But I am afraid, when I have done
it, that you will not understand me, Mr. Thorold."
"Think I cannot?" said he.
"I am afraid not--without knowing what I know."
"Let us see," said Thorold. "I want to know why you judge so
differently from other people about the right and the wrong of hops
and such things. Somebody is mistaken--that is clear."
"But the difficulty is, I cannot give you my point of view."
"Please try," said Thorold, contentedly.
"Mr. Thorold, I told you, I am a soldier."
"Yes," he said, looking up at me, and little sparkles of light seeming
to come out of his hazel eyes.
"I showed you my orders."
"But I did not understand them to be what you said."
"Suppose you were in an enemy's country," I said; "a rebel country;
and your orders were, to do nothing which could be construed into
encouraging the rebels, or which could help them to think that your
king would hold friendship with them, or that there was not a perfect
gulf of division between you and them."
"But this is not such a case?" said Thorold.
"That is only part," I said. "Suppose your orders were to keep
constant watch and hold yourself at every minute ready for duty, and
to go nowhere and do nothing that would unfit you for instant service,
or put you off your watch?"
"But, Miss Randolph!" said Thorold, a little impatiently, "do these
little dances unfit you for duty?"
"Yes," I said. "And put me off my watch."
"Your watch against what? Oh, pardon me, and _please_ enlighten me. I
do not mean to be impertinent."
"I mean my watch for orders--my watch against evil."
"Won't you explain?" said Thorold, gently and impatiently at once.
"What sort of evil can _you_ possibly fear, in connection with such an
innocent recreation? What 'orders' are you expecting?"
I hesitated. Should I tell him; would he believe; was it best to
unveil the working of my own heart to that degree? And how could I
evade or shirk the question?
"I should not like to tell you," I said at length, "the thoughts and
feelings I found stirring in myself, after the last time I went to the
dance. I dare say they are something that belongs especially to a
woman, and that a man would not know them."
Thorold turned on me again a wonderfully gentle look, for a gay, fiery
young Vermonter, as I knew him to be.
"It wanted only that!" he said. "And the orders, Miss Randolph--what
'orders' are you expecting? You said orders."
"Orders may be given by a sign," I said. "They need not be in words."
He smiled. "I see, you have studied the subject."
"I mean, only, that whenever a duty is plainly put before
me--something given me to do--I know I have 'orders' to do it. And
then, Mr. Thorold, as the orders are not spoken, nor brought to me by
a messenger, only made known to me by a sign of some sort--If I did
not keep a good watch, I should be sure to miss the sign sometimes,
don't you see?"
"This is soldiership!" said Thorold. And getting up, he stood before
me in attitude like a soldier as he was, erect, still with arms
folded, only not up to his chin, like Capt. Percival, but folded
manfully. He had been watching me very intently; now he stood as
intently looking off over the farther landscape. Methought I had a
sort of pride in his fine appearance; and yet he did in no wise belong
to me. Nevertheless, it was pleasant to see the firm, still attitude,
the fine proportions, the military nicety of all his dress, which I
had before noticed on the parade ground. For as there is a difference
between one walk and another, though all trained, so there is a
difference between one neatness and another, though all according to
regulation: and Preston never looked like this.
He turned round at last, and smiled down at me.
"Are you rested?"
"O yes!" I said, rising. "I was not fatigued."
"Are you tired talking?"
"No, not at all. Have I talked so very much?"
He laughed at that, but went on.
"Will you be out of patience with my stupidity?"
I said no.
"Because I am not fully enlightened yet. I want to ask further
questions; and asking questions is very impertinent."
"Not if you have leave," I said. "Ask what you like."
"I am afraid, nevertheless. But I can never know, if I do not ask. How
is it--this is what puzzles me--that other people who call themselves
Christians do not think as you do about this matter?"
"Soldiership?" I asked.
"Well, yes. It comes to that, I suppose."
"You know what soldiership ought to be," I said.
"But one little soldier cannot be all the rank and file of this army?"
he said, looking down at me.
"O no!" I said, laughing--"there are a great many more--there are a
great many more--only you do not happen to see them."
"And these others, that I do see, are not soldiers, then?"
"I do not know," I said, feeling sadly what a stumbling-block it was.
"Perhaps they are. But you know yourself, Mr. Thorold, there is a
difference between soldiers and soldiers."
He was silent a while, as we mounted the hill; then he continued--
"But it makes religion a slavery--a bondage--to be _all_ the while
under arms, on guard, watching orders. _Always_ on the watch and
expecting to be under fire--it is too much; it would make a gloomy,
ugly life of it."
"But suppose you _are_ under fire?" I said.
"What?" said he, looking and laughing again.
"If you are a good soldier in an enemy's country, always with work to
do; will you wish to be off your guard, or off duty?"
"But what a life!" said Thorold.
"If you love your Captain?" said I.
He stopped and looked at me with one of the keenest looks of scrutiny
I ever met. It seemed to scrutinize not me only, but the truth. I
thought he was satisfied; for he turned away without adding anything
more at that time. His mind was at work, however; for he broke down a
small branch in his way and busied himself with it in sweeping the
trunks of the trees as we went by; varying the occupation with a
careful clearing away of all stones and sticks that would make my path
rougher than it need be. Finally, giving me his hand to help me spring
over a little rivulet that crossed our way.
"Here is an incongruity, now I think of it," said he, smiling. "How is
it that you be on such good terms with a rebel? Ought you to have
anything to do with me?"
"I may be friends with anybody in his private capacity," I answered in
the same tone. "That does not compromise anything. It is only
when--You know what I mean."
"When they are assembled for doubtful purposes."
"Or gathered in a place where the wrong colours are displayed," I
added. "I must not go there."
"There was no false banner hung out on the Academic Building the other
night," he said humorously.
But I knew my King's banner was not either. I knew people did not
think of Him there, nor work for Him, and would have been very much
surprised to hear any one speak of Him. Say it was innocent amusement;
people did not want Him with them there; and where He was not, I did
not wish to be. But I could not tell all this to Mr. Thorold. He was
not contented, however, without an answer.
"How was it?" he asked.
"You cannot understand me and you may laugh at me," I said.
"Why may I not understand you?" he asked deferentially.
"I suppose, because you do not understand something else," I said;
"and you cannot, Mr. Thorold, until you know what the love of Jesus
is, and what it is to care for His honour and His service more than
for anything else in the world."
"But are they compromised?" he asked. "That is the thing. You see, I
want you back at the hop."
"I would like to come," said I; "but I must not."
"On the ground--?"
"I told you, Mr. Thorold. I do not find that my orders allow me to go.
I must do nothing that I cannot do in my King's name."
"That is--"
"As His servant--on His errands--following where He leads me."
"I never heard it put so before," said Thorold. "It bears the stamp of
perfection--only an impossible perfection."
"No--" said I.
"To ordinary mortals," he rejoined, with one of his quick, brilliant
flashes of the eye. Then, as it softened and changed again--
"Miss Randolph, permit me to ask one question--Are you happy?"
And with the inquiry came the investigating look, keen as a razor or a
rifle ball. I could meet it, though; and I told him it was _this_ made
me happy. For the first time his face was troubled. He turned it from
me and dropped the conversation. I let it drop, too; and we walked
side by side and silently the remainder of the steep way; neither of
us, I believe, paying much attention to what there was to be seen
below or around us. At the top, however, this changed. We found a good
place to rest, and sat there a long time looking at the view; Thorold
pointing out its different features, and telling me about them in
detail; his visits to them, and exploration of the region generally.
And we planned imaginary excursions together, one especially to the
top of the Crow's Nest, with an imaginary party, to see the sun rise.
We would have to go up, of course, overnight; we must carry a tent
along for shelter, and camp-beds, and cooking utensils, at least a pot
to boil coffee; and plenty of warm wraps and plenty of provisions, for
people always eat terribly in cold regions, Thorold said. And although
the top of the Crow's Nest is not Arctic by any means, still, it is
cool enough even in a warm day, and would be certainly cool at night.
Also the members of our party we debated; they must be people of good
tempers and travelling habits, not to be put out for a little; people
with large tastes for enjoyment, to whom the glory of the morning
would make amends for all the toil of the night; and good talkers, to
keep up the tone of the whole thing. Meanwhile, Thorold and I heartily
enjoyed Number Four; as also I did his explanations of fortifications,
which I drew from him and made him apply to all the fortifications in
sight or which I knew. And when the sun's westing told us it was time
to go home, we went down all the way talking. I have but little
remembrance of the path. I remember the cool, bright freshness of the
light, and its brilliant gleam in the distance after it had left the
hillside. I have an impression of the calm clear beauty that was
underfoot and overhead that afternoon; but I saw it only as I could
see it while giving my thought to something else. Sometimes, holding
hands, we took runs down the mountain side; then walked demurely again
when we got to easier going. We had come to the lower region at last,
and were not far from the gate, talking earnestly and walking close
together, when I saw Thorold touch his cap.
"Was that anybody I knew?" I asked.
"I believe it was your friend Dr. Sandford," he said, smiling into my
face with a smile of peculiar expression and peculiar beauty. I saw
something had pleased him, pleased him very much. It could not have
been Dr. Sandford. I cannot say I was pleased, as I had an intuitive
assurance the doctor was not. But Thorold's smile almost made amends.
That evening the doctor informed us he had got intelligence which
obliged him to leave the Point immediately; and as he could go with us
part of the way to Niagara, we had better all set off together. I had
lost all my wish to go to Niagara; but I said nothing. Mrs. Sandford
said there was nothing to be gained by staying at the Point any
longer, as I would not go to the hops. So Monday morning we went
away.