A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
I was an humbler child when I got out of bed the next morning, I
think, than ever I had been in my life before. But I had another
lesson to learn.
I was not angry any more at Miss St. Clair. That was gone. Even when
she did one or two other mischievous things to me, the rising feeling
of offence was quickly got under; and I lived in great charity with
her. My new lesson was of another sort.
Two or three days passed, and then came Sunday. It was never a
comfortable day at Mme. Ricard's. We all went to church of course,
under the care of one or other of the teachers; and we had our choice
where to go. Miss Babbitt went to a Presbyterian church. Miss Maria to
a high Episcopal. Mme. Jupon attended a little French Protestant
chapel; and Mlle. Genevieve and Mme. Ricard went to the Catholic
church. The first Sunday I had gone with them, not knowing at all
whither. I found that would not do; and since then I had tried the
other parties. But I was in a strait; for Miss Maria's church seemed
to me a faded image of Mlle. Genevieve's; the Presbyterian church
which Miss Babbitt went to was stiff and dull; I was not at home in
either of them, and could not understand or enjoy what was spoken. The
very music had an air of incipient petrification, if I can speak so
about sounds. At the little French chapel I could as little comprehend
the words that were uttered. But in the pulpit there was a man with a
shining face; a face full of love and truth and earnestness. He spoke
out of his heart, and no set words; and the singing was simple and
sweet and the hymns beautiful. I could understand them, for I had the
hymn-book in my hands. Also I had the French Bible, and Mme. Jupon,
delighted to have me with her, assured me that if I listened I would
very soon begin to understand the minister's preaching just as well as
if it were English. So I went with Mme. Jupon, and thereby lost some
part of Mlle. Genevieve's favour; but that I did not understand till
afterwards.
We had all been to church as usual, this Sunday, and we were taking
off our hats and things upstairs, after the second service. My simple
toilet was soon made; and I sat upon the side of my little bed,
watching those of my companions. They were a contrast to mine. The
utmost that money could do, to bring girls into the fashion, was done
for these girls; for the patrons of Mme. Ricard's establishment were
nearly all rich.
Costly coats and cloaks, heavily trimmed, were surmounted with every
variety of showy head-gear, in every variety of unsuitableness. To
study bad taste, one would want no better field than the heads of Mme.
Ricard's seventy boarders dressed for church. Not that the articles
which were worn on the heads were always bad; some of them came from
irreproachable workshops; but there was everywhere the bad taste of
overdressing, and nowhere the tact of appropriation. The hats were
all on the wrong heads. Everybody was a testimony of what money can do
without art. I sat on my little bed, vaguely speculating on all this
as I watched my companions disrobing; at intervals humming the sweet
French melody to which the last hymn had been sung; when St. Clair
paused in her talk and threw a glance in my direction. It lighted on
my plain plaid frock and undressed hair.
"Don't you come from the country, Miss Randolph?" she said, insolently
enough.
I answered yes. And I remembered what my mantua-maker had said.
"Did you have that dress made there?"
"For shame, St. Clair!" said Miss Bentley; "let Miss Randolph alone. I
am sure her dress is very neat."
"I wonder if women don't wear long hair where she came from?" said the
girl, turning away from me again. The others laughed.
I was as little pleased at that moment with the defence as with the
attack. The instant thought in my mind was, that Miss Bentley knew no
more how to conduct the one than Miss St. Clair to make the other; if
the latter had no civility, the first had no style. Now the St. Clair
was one of the best dressed girls in school and came from one of the
most important families. I thought, if she knew where I came from, and
who my mother was, she would change her tone. Nevertheless, I wished
mamma would order me to let my hair grow, and I began to think whether
I might not do it without order. And I thought also that the spring
was advancing, and warm weather would soon be upon us; and that these
girls would change their talk and their opinion about me when they
saw my summer frocks. There was nothing like _them_ in all the school.
I ran over in my mind their various elegance, of texture and lace, and
fine embroidery, and graceful, simple drapery. And also I thought, if
these girls could see Magnolia, its magnificent oaks, and its acres of
timber, and its sweeps of rich fields, and its troops of servants,
their minds would be enlightened as to me and my belongings.
These meditations were a mixture of comfort and discomfort to me; but
on the whole I was not comfortable. This process of comparing myself
with my neighbours, I was not accustomed to; and even though its
results were so favourable, I did not like it. Neither did I quite
relish living under a cloud; and my eyes being a little sharpened now,
I could see that not by my young companions alone, but by every one of
the four teachers, I was looked upon as a harmless little girl whose
mother knew nothing about the fashionable world. I do not think that
anything in my manner showed either my pique or my disdain; I believe
I went out of doors just as usual; but these things were often in my
thoughts, and taking by degrees more room in them.
It was not till the Sunday came round again, that I got any more
light. The afternoon service was over; we had come home and laid off
our bonnets and cloaks; for though we were in April it was cold and
windy; and my schoolfellows had all gone downstairs to the parlour,
where they had the privilege of doing what they pleased before tea. I
was left alone. It was almost my only time for being alone in the
whole week. I had an hour then; and I used to spend it in my bedroom
with my Bible. To-day I was reading the first epistle of John, which I
was very fond of; and as my custom was, not reading merely, but
pondering and praying over the words verse by verse. So I found that
I understood them better and enjoyed them a great deal more. I came to
these words,--
"Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we
should be called the sons of God; therefore the world knoweth us not,
because it knew him not."
I had dwelt sometime upon the first part of the verse, forgetting all my
discomforts of the week past; and came in due course to the next words. I
never shall forget how they swept in upon. "_The world knoweth us
not._"--What did that mean? "Because it knew him not." How did it not
know Him; He was in the midst of men; He lived no hidden life; the world
knew Him well enough as a benefactor, a teacher, a reprover; in what
sense did it _not_ know Him? And I remembered, it did not know Him as one
of its own party. He was "this fellow,"--and "the deceiver;"--"the
Nazarene;" "they called the master of the house Beelzebub." And so the
world knoweth _us_ not; and I knew well enough why; because we must be
like Him. And then, I found an unwillingness in myself to have these
words true of me. I had been very satisfied under the slighting tones and
looks of the little world around me, thinking that they were mistaken and
would by and by know it; they would know that in all that they held so
dear, of grace and fashion and elegance and distinguished appearance, my
mother, and of course I, were not only their match but above them. Now,
must I be content to have them never know it? But, I thought, I could not
help their seeing the fact; if I dressed as my mother's child was
accustomed to dress, they would know what sphere of life I belonged to.
And then the words bore down upon me again, with their uncompromising
distinctness,--"_the world knoweth us not_." I saw it was a mark and
character of those that belonged to Christ. I saw that, if I belonged to
Him, the world must not know me. The conclusion was very plain. And to
secure the conclusion, the way was very plain too; I must simply not be
like the world. I must not be of the world; and I must let it be known
that I was not.
Face to face with the issue, I started back. For not to be of the
world, meant, not to follow their ways. I did not want to follow some
of their ways; I had no desire to break the Sabbath, for example; but
I did like to wear pretty and elegant and expensive things, and
fashionable things. It is very true, I had just denied myself this
pleasure, and bought a plain dress and coat that did not charm me; but
that was in favour of Margaret and to save money for her. And I had no
objection to do the same thing again and again, for the same motive;
and to deny myself to the end of the chapter, so long as others were
in need. But that was another matter from shaking hands with the world
at once, and being willing that for all my life it should never know
me as one of those whom it honoured. Never _know_ me, in fact. I must
be something out of the world's consciousness, and of no importance to
it. And to begin with, I must never try to enlighten my schoolfellows'
eyes about myself. Let them think that Daisy Randolph came from
somewhere in the country and was accustomed to wear no better dresses
in ordinary than her school plaid. Let them never be aware that I had
ponies and servants and lands and treasures. Nay, the force of the
words I had read went farther than that. I felt it, down in my heart.
Not only I must take no measures to proclaim my title to the world's
regard; but I must be such and so unlike it in my whole way of life,
dress and all, that the world would not wish to recognize me, nor have
anything to do with me.
I counted the cost now, and it seemed heavy. There was Miss Bentley,
with her clumsy finery, put on as it were one dollar above the other.
She patronized me, as a little country-girl who knew nothing. Must I
not undeceive her? There was Faustina St. Clair, really of a good
family, and insolent on the strength of it; must I never let her know
that mine was as good and that my mother had as much knowledge of the
proprieties and elegances of life as ever hers had? These girls and
plenty of the others looked down upon me as something inferior; not
belonging to their part of society; must I be content henceforth to
live so simply that these and others who judge by the outside would
never be any wiser as to what I really was? Something in me rebelled.
Yet the words I had been reading were final and absolute. "The world
knoweth us _not_;" and "us," I knew meant the little band in whose
hearts Christ is king. Surely I was one of them. But I was unwilling
to slip out of the world's view and be seen by it no more. I
struggled.
It was something very new in my experience. I had certainly felt
struggles of duty in other times, but they had never lasted long. This
lasted. With an eye made keen by conscience, I looked now in my
reading to see what else I might find that would throw light on the
matter and perhaps soften off the uncompromising decision of the words
of St John. By and by I came to these words--
"If ye were of the world, the world would love his own. But because ye
are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world,
_therefore the world hateth you_."
I shut the book. The issue could not be more plainly set forth. I must
choose between the one party and the other. Nay, I had chosen;--but I
must agree to belong but to one.
Would anybody say that a child could not have such a struggle? that
fourteen years do not know yet what "the world" means? Alas, it is a
relative term; and a child's "world" may be as mighty for her to face,
as any other she will ever know. I think I never found any more
formidable. Moreover, it is less unlike the big world than some would
suppose.
On the corner of the street, just opposite to our windows, stood a
large handsome house which we always noticed for its flowers. The
house stood in a little green courtyard exquisitely kept, which at one
side and behind gave room for several patches of flower beds, at this
time filled with bulbous plants. I always lingered as much as I could
in passing the iron railings, to have a peep at the beauty within. The
grass was now of a delicious green, and the tulips and hyacinths and
crocuses were in full bloom, in their different oval-shaped beds,
framed in with the green. Besides these, from the windows of a
greenhouse that stretched back along the street, there looked over a
brilliant array of other beauty; I could not tell what; great bunches
of scarlet and tufts of white and gleamings of yellow, that made me
long to be there.
"Who lives in that house?" Miss Bentley asked one evening. It was the
hour before tea, and we were all at our room windows gazing down into
the avenue.
"Why, don't you know?" said slow Miss Macy. "That's Miss Cardigan's
house."
"I wonder who she is?" said Miss Lansing. "It isn't a New York name."
"Yes, it is," said Macy. "She's lived there for ever. She used to be
there, and her flowers, when I was four years old."
"I guess she isn't anybody, is she?" said Miss Bentley. "I never see
any carriages at the door. Hasn't she a carriage of her own, I wonder,
or how does she travel? Such a house ought to have a carriage."
"I'll tell you," said the St. Clair, coolly as usual. "She goes out in
a wagon with an awning to it. _She_ don't know anything about
carriages."
"But she must have money, you know," urged Miss Bentley. "She couldn't
keep up that house, and the flowers, and the greenhouse and all,
without money."
"She's got money," said the St. Clair. "Her mother made it selling
cabbages in the market. Very likely she sold flowers too."
There was a general exclamation and laughter at what was supposed to
be one of St. Clair's flights of mischief; but the young lady stood
her ground calmly, and insisted that it was a thing well known. "My
grandmother used to buy vegetables from old Mrs. Cardigan when we
lived in Broadway," she said. "It's quite true. That's why she knows
nothing about carriages."
"That sort of thing don't hinder other people from having carriages,"
said Miss Lansing. "There's Mr. Mason, next door to Miss Cardigan,--his
father was a tailor; and the Steppes, two doors off, do you know what
they were? They were millers, a little way out of town; nothing else; had
a mill and ground flour. They made a fortune I suppose, and now here they
are in the midst of other people."
"Plenty of carriages, too," said Miss Macy; "and everything else."
"After all," said Miss Bentley, after a pause, "I suppose everybody's
money had to be made somehow, in the first instance. I suppose all the
Millers in the world came from real millers once; and the Wheelrights
from wheelwrights."
"And what a world of smiths there must have been first and last," said
Miss Lansing. "The world is full of their descendants."
"_Everybody's_ money wasn't made, though," said the St. Clair, with an
inexpressible attitude of her short upper lip.
"I guess it was,--if you go back far enough," said Miss Macy, whom
nothing disturbed. But I saw that while Miss Lansing and Miss St.
Clair were at ease in the foregoing conversation, Miss Bentley was
not.
"You _can't_ go back far enough," said the St. Clair, haughtily.
"How then?" said the other. "How do you account for it? Where did
their money come from?"
"It grew," said the St. Clair ineffably. "They were lords of the
soil."
"Oh!--But it had to be dug out, I suppose?" said Miss Macy.
"There were others to do that."
"After all," said Miss Macy, "how is money that grew any better than
money that is made? it is all made by somebody, too."
"If it is made by somebody else, it leaves your hands clean," the St.
Clair answered, with an insolence worthy of maturer years; for Miss
Macy's family had grown rich by trade. She was of a slow temper
however and did not take fire.
"My grandfather's hands were clean," she said; "yet he made his own
money. Honest hands always are clean."
"Do you suppose Miss Cardigan's were when she was handling her
cabbages?" said St Clair. "I have no doubt Miss Cardigan's house
smells of cabbages now."
"O St. Clair!" Miss Lansing said, laughing.
"I always smell them when I go past," said the other, elevating her
scornful little nose; it was a handsome nose too.
"I don't think it makes any difference," said Miss Bentley, "provided
people _have_ money, how they came by it. Money buys the same thing
for one that it does for another."
"Now, my good Bentley, that is just what it _don't_," said St. Clair,
drumming up the window-pane with the tips of her fingers.
"Why not?"
"Because!--people that have always had money know how to use it; and
people who have just come into their money _don't_ know. You can tell
the one from the other as far off as the head of the avenue."
"But what is to hinder their going to the same milliner and mantua-maker,
for instance, or the same cabinet-maker,--and buying the same things?"
"Or the same jeweller, or the same--anything? So they could if they
knew which they were."
"Which _what_ were? It is easy to tell which is a fashionable
milliner, or mantua-maker; everybody knows that."
"It don't do some people any good," said St. Clair, turning away.
"When they get in the shop they do not know what to buy; and if they
buy it they can't put it on. People that are not fashionable can't
_be_ fashionable."
I saw the glance that fell, scarcely touching, on my plain plaid
frock. I was silly enough to feel it too. I was unused to scorn. St.
Clair returned to the window, perhaps sensible that she had gone a
little too far.
"I can tell you now," she said, "what that old Miss Cardigan has got
in her house--just as well as if I saw it."
"Did you ever go in?" said Lansing eagerly.
"We don't visit," said the other. "But I can tell you just as well;
and you can send Daisy Randolph some day to see if it is true."
"Well, go on, St. Clair--what is there?" said Miss Macy.
"There's a marble hall, of course; that the mason built; it isn't her
fault. Then in the parlours there are thick carpets, that cost a great
deal of money and are as ugly as they can be, with every colour in the
world. The furniture is red satin, or may be blue, staring bright,
against a light green wall panelled with gold. The ceilings are gold
and white, with enormous chandeliers. On the wall there are some very
big picture frames, with nothing in them--to speak of; there is a
table in the middle of the floor with a marble top, and the piers are
filled with mirrors down to the floor: and the second room is like the
first and the third is like the second, and there is nothing else in
any of the rooms but what I have told you."
"Well, it is a very handsome house, I should think, if you have told
true," said Miss Bentley.
St. Clair left the window with a scarce perceptible but most wicked smile
at her friend Miss Lansing; and the group scattered. Only I remained to
think it over and ask myself, could I let go my vantage ground? could I
make up my mind to do for ever without the smile and regard of that
portion of the world which little St. Clair represented? It is powerful
even in a school!
I had seen how carelessly this undoubted child of birth and fashion
wielded the lash of her tongue; and how others bowed before it. I had
seen Miss Bentley wince, and Miss Macy bite her lip; but neither of
them dared affront the daughter of Mrs. St. Clair. Miss Lansing was
herself of the favoured class, and had listened lightly. Fashion was
power, that was plain. Was I willing to forego it? Was I willing to
be one of those whom fashion passes by as St. Clair had glanced on my
dress--as something not worthy a thought.
I was not happy, those days. Something within me was struggling for
self assertion. It was new to me; for until then I had never needed to
assert my claims to anything. For the first time, I was looked down
upon, and I did not like it. I do not quite know why I was made to
know this so well. My dress, if not showy or costly, was certainly
without blame in its neatness and niceness, and perfectly becoming my
place as a schoolgirl. And I had very little to do at that time with
my schoolmates, and that little was entirely friendly in its
character. I am obliged to think, looking back at it now, that some
rivalry was at work. I did not then understand it. But I was taking a
high place in all my classes. I had gone past St. Clair in two or
three things. Miss Lansing was too far behind in her studies to feel
any jealousy on that account; but besides that, I was an unmistakable
favourite with all the teachers. They liked to have me do anything for
them or with them; if any privilege was to be given, I was sure to be
one of the first names called to share it; if I was spoken to for
anything, the manner and tone were in contrast with those used towards
almost all my fellows. It may have been partly for these reasons that
there was a little positive element in the slight which I felt. The
effect of the whole was to make a long struggle in my mind. "The world
knoweth us not"--gave the character and condition of that party to
which I belonged. I was feeling now what those words mean,--and it was
not pleasant.
This struggle had been going on for several weeks, and growing more
and more wearying, when Mrs. Sandford came one day to see me. She
said I did not look very well, and obtained leave for me to take a
walk with her. I was glad of the change. It was a pleasant bright
afternoon; we strolled up the long avenue, then gay and crowded with
passers to and fro in every variety and in the height of the mode; for
our avenue was a favourite and very fashionable promenade. The gay
world nodded and bowed to each other; the sun streamed on satins and
laces, flowers and embroidery; elegant toilets passed and repassed
each other, with smiling recognition; the street was a show. I walked
by Mrs. Sandford's side in my chinchilla cap, for I had not got a
straw hat yet, though it was time; thinking--"The world knoweth us
not"--and carrying on the struggle in my heart all the while. By and
by we turned to come down the avenue.
"I want to stop a moment here on some business," said Mrs. Sandford,
as we came to Miss Cardigan's corner; "would you like to go in with
me, Daisy?"
I was pleased, and moreover glad that it was the hour for my
companions to be out walking. I did not wish to be seen going in at
that house and to have all the questions poured on me that would be
sure to come. Moreover, I was curious to see how far Miss St. Clair's
judgment would be verified. The marble hall was undoubted; it was
large and square, with a handsome staircase going up from it; but the
parlour, into which we were ushered the next minute, crossed all my
expectations. It was furnished with dark chintz; no satin, red or
blue, was anywhere to be seen; even the curtains were chintz. The
carpet was not rich; the engravings on the walls were in wooden frames
varnished; the long mirror between the windows, for that was there,
reflected a very simple mahogany table, on which lay a large work
basket, some rolls of muslin and flannel, work cut and uncut, shears
and spools of cotton. Another smaller table held books and papers and
writing materials. This was shoved up to the corner of the hearth,
where a fire--a real, actual fire of sticks--was softly burning. The
room was full of the sweet smell of the burning wood. Between the two
tables, in a comfortable large chair, sat the lady we had come to see.
My heart warmed at the look of her immediately. Such a face of genial
gentle benevolence; such a healthy sweet colour in the old cheeks;
such a hearty, kind, and withal shrewd and sound, expression of eye
and lip. She was stout and dumpy in figure, rather fat; with a little
plain cap on her head and a shawl pinned round her shoulders. Somebody
who had never been known to the world of fashion. But oh, how homely
and comfortable she and her room looked! she and her room and her cat;
for a great white cat sat with her paws doubled under her in front of
the fire.
"My sister begged that I would call and see you, Miss Cardigan," Mrs.
Sandford began, "about a poor family named Whittaker, that live
somewhere in Ellen Street."
"I know them. Be seated," said our hostess. "I know them well. But I
don't know this little lady."
"A little friend of mine, Miss Cardigan; she is at school with your
neighbour opposite,--Miss Daisy Randolph."
"If nearness made neighbourhood," said Miss Cardigan, laughing, "Mme.
Ricard and I would be neighbours; but I am afraid the rule of the Good
Samaritan would put us far apart. Miss Daisy--do you like my cat; or
would you like maybe to go in and look at my flowers?--yes?--Step in
that way, dear; just go through that room, and on, straight through;
you'll smell them before you come to them."
I gladly obeyed her, stepping in through the darkened middle room,
where already the greeting of the distant flowers met me; then through
a third smaller room, light and bright and full of fragrance, and to
my surprise, lined with books. From this an open glass door let me
into the greenhouse and into the presence of the beauties I had so
often looked up to from the street. I lost myself then. Geraniums
breathed over me; roses smiled at me; a daphne at one end of the room
filled the whole place with its fragrance. Amaryllis bulbs were
magnificent; fuchsias dropped with elegance; jonquils were shy and
dainty; violets were good; hyacinths were delicious; tulips were
splendid. Over and behind all these and others, were wonderful ferns,
and heaths most delicate in their simplicity, and myrtles most
beautiful with their shining dark foliage and starry white blossoms. I
lost myself at first, and wandered past all these new and old friends
in a dream; then I waked up to an intense feeling of homesickness. I
had not been in such a greenhouse in a long time; the geraniums and
roses and myrtles summoned me back to the years when I was a little
happy thing at Melbourne House--or summoned the images of that time
back to me. Father and mother and home--the delights and freedoms of
those days--the carelessness, and the care--the blessed joys of that
time before I knew Miss Pinshon, or school, and before I was perplexed
with the sorrows and the wants of the world, and before I was
alone--above all, when papa and mamma and I were _at home_. The
geraniums and the roses set me back there so sharply that I felt it
all. I had lost myself at first going into the greenhouse; and now I
had quite lost sight of everything else, and stood gazing at the faces
of the flowers with some tears on my own, and, I suppose, a good deal
of revelation of my feeling; for I was unutterably startled by the
touch of two hands upon my shoulders and a soft whisper in my ear,
"What is it, my bairn?"
It was Miss Cardigan's soft Scotch accent, and it was besides a
question of the tenderest sympathy. I looked at her, saw the kind and
strong grey eyes which were fixed on me wistfully; and hiding my face
in her bosom I sobbed aloud.
I don't know how I came to be there, in her arms, nor how I did
anything so unlike my habit; but there I was, and it was done, and
Miss Cardigan and I were in each other's confidence. It was only for
one moment that my tears came; then I recovered myself.
"What sort of discourse did the flowers hold to you, little one?" said
Miss Cardigan's kind voice; while her stout person hid all view of me
that could have been had through the glass door.
"Papa is away," I said, forcing myself to speak,--"and mamma:--and we
used to have these flowers--"
"Yes, yes; I know. I know very well," said my friend. "The flowers
didn't know but you were there yet. They hadn't discretion. Mrs.
Sandford wants to go, dear. Will you come again and see them? They
will say something else next time."
"Oh, may I?" I said.
"Just whenever you like, and as often as you like. So I'll expect
you."
I went home, very glad at having escaped notice from my schoolmates,
and firmly bent on accepting Miss Cardigan's invitation at the first
chance I had. I asked about her of Mrs. Sandford in the first place;
and learned that she was "a very good sort of person; a little queer,
but very kind; a person that did a great deal of good and had plenty
of money. Not in society, of course," Mrs. Sandford added; "but I dare
say she don't miss that; and she is just as useful as if she were."
"Not in society." That meant, I supposed, that Miss Cardigan would not
be asked to companies where Mrs. Randolph would be found, or Mrs.
Sandford; that such people would not "know" her, in fact. That would
certainly be a loss to Miss Cardigan; but I wondered how much? "The
world knoweth us not,"--the lot of all Christ's people,--could it
involve anything in itself very bad? My old Juanita, for example, who
held herself the heir to a princely inheritance, was it any harm to
her that earthly palaces knew her only as a servant? But then, what
did not matter to Juanita or Miss Cardigan might matter to somebody
who had been used to different things. I knew how it had been with
myself for a time past. I was puzzled. I determined to wait and see,
if I could, how much it mattered to Miss Cardigan.